I wish Gordon Ramsay would get one tattoo so I could take him seriously as a chef.
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[first day as a Twitter designer]
Never mind an edit button. What people really want are round avis.
me: I always get shy around beautiful women
friend: just tell her
cashier: hi
me: *quiet mumbling*
cashier: what?
me: ᴵ ˢᵃⁱᵈ ᵗʰᵉʳᵉ’ˢ ᵃ ᵈᵉᵃᵈ ᵇᵒᵈʸ ⁱⁿ ʸᵒᵘʳ ᵈᵘᵐᵖˢᵗᵉʳ
Person: you only live once
Me: that is the best news I’ve heard all day
CHARLIE BROWN: happy holidays!
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wampwahwahwah
CHARLIE BROWN: it’s not a war on Christmas, it’s just respecting people who celebrate other holidays
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wahwahwampwah
CHARLIE BROWN: no, Jesus wasn’t white
[Quarantine, Day 5]
Me: Amelia, push my afternoon meetings this conference call is running long
My daughter’s Amelia Bedelia doll wearing a Bluetooth:
I saved my husband’s life insurance company 1 million dollars by switching to xanax.
Wife: I’m home.
Me: [reading the Bible] hey Babe! did you know First Corinthians chapter 13, verses 4-7 states love is patient, love is kind-
Wife:
Me: [still reading ] -it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs…
Wife: what did you do?
A decepticon is a just a cheeky emoticon at the end of a message intended to excuse the sender and confuse the recipient.
Ex: Please die 😉
“Hey man, do you know how long that’s been sitting out?” – People who clearly don’t understand my commitment to eating
Sorry I’m late, my toddler declared independence.
Hate your job as a calendar maker?Need a way to get fired? Easy.
( •_•)
( •_•)>⌐■-■
(⌐■_■)
Just take a day off
Thank you to all those people doing boring jobs with titles we don’t understand.
In a world of sugar daddies, be a pasta uncle. (I don’t know what this means, I just really want pasta right now.)
[First Date]
Me: haha so yeah I just try to stay young at heartMy date, joking: lol isn’t that just another way of saying immature?
Me: *throwing spaghetti and Barbies at his head* NO IT DOESN’T SHUT UUUUUUUUUP
There is a lady who just asked me if Arsenal is a series! I asked her why?She told me that all Arsenal fans usually wait for the next season
I rode in the back seat with my baby until she was big enough for a front-facing seat because she cried not being able to see me.
It made it hard to drive but the peace and quiet were worth it.
GENIE: u have 5 wishes
ME: don’t u mean 3 wishes?
GENIE: usually but it seems like u have a lot of problems
I stopped at a combination Taco Bell and gas station to eat and get gas. Pumps were down, but…mission accomplished.
BROTHER: The Godfather is on? That’s not very Thanksgiving-y.
ME: Well, it’s about family…
Growing up in the Midwest means I am not embarrassed to eat a pound of fried macaroni in a setting, but I am embarrassed to admit ever having sex to my family at the age of 36.
Make sure your first place together is on the ground floor, so when she throws your stuff out the window, it won’t break.
I always wanted to be on Family Feud but there were never 5 people in my family speaking to each other at one time.
So many pants.
So little yoga.
Being an adult is 99% wondering how you hurt your back.
If video games really made people violent, I would be jumping on every turtle I saw.
FRIENDLY REMINDER: Frankenberry is not the cereal. He’s the guy who CREATED the cereal. The cereal is his monster.
The best part of being pregnant is blaming my eating choices on the baby.
Jello at 3 am? Baby was hungry.
Cheesecake for breakfast? Baby wanted it.
The blood of my enemies under a full moon? Baby demanded a sacrifice.
Pancakes for dinner? Baby likes breakfast food.
Money doesn’t grow on trees. Your move, multinational agricultural biotechnology corporations.
The government be like “please throw your grandma into an active volcano, the economy demands a sacrifice”
watching shogun with subtitles off so i can feel like just as much of an outsider as the white guy