My support group can outdrink your support group.
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me: my boss is working me to the bone
my dog: hell yeah
I’m not like other girls. I am Mothman.
Her : I like you
Me : You’re mistaken
KANYE: I made Taylor Swift famous
TRUMP: We should ban all Muslims
KANYE: BILL COSBY INNOCENT
TRUMP: THE POPE SUCKS
KANYE: damn ur good
“No retreat, no surrender!” -senior citizen who doesn’t know how to put their scooter in reverse and just plows over everything.
i work in the toll booth and i listen to smooth operator and i sing along but i say booth operator
if your name is Christy and you’re fighting a custody battle in Orlando. fire your lawyer bc I found your whole case file at the bar last night.
Someone asked me why I was wearing a fake AirPod… bro that’s my hearing aid
Really, there’s no need to ever take your kids anywhere fun because they can just sit and complain at home for a lot less money.
Enrique Iglesias wants to
1. Be your hero
2. Kiss away your pain
3. Stand by you forever
Enrique Iglesias is your mother
You can wonder about other people’s motivations or you can hit yourself in the head with a hammer, and the end result is roughly the same.
If you say “guess who died?” with a big smile on your face some people get kinda angry.
*walks in*
Nope!
*does a 360° and walks in further*
Ah that’s why I failed geometry
Try a craft you’ve never done so you can get mad at a person you’ve never met.
customs officer: anything to declare?
me (pulling blanket over elephant): umm just this blanket
This weather better stop actin like my teenager’s mood
[my first day at Marvel Comics]
Me: [calling my mom] I already created a new superhero!
Boss: [bursting into my office, furious] who tf is the Couscousinator?!
(Halloween Party)
Friend: What’s your costume?
Me: I’m dressed as “A total disappointment”
Friend: But you always wear that
Me: Yeah.
Waiting in line for a bathroom stall that was empty the entire time is not even the most embarrassing thing I’ve done today
I was first in line
[Kitchen]
Me: I’m a were-state. When the moon is full I turn into a US state.
Wife: No you don’t the moon is full now.
Me: *Illinois noises*
You learn something new every day.
Except yesterday. Yesterday was a washout.
the most challenging thing I’ve done all week is explain to a 4 year old where he was in photos taken 7 years ago
PRO TIP: Stall your execution by asking if the lethal injection chemicals are gluten-free.
welcome back to invisibility class.
it’s pretty disappointing to see so many of you here.
You’re like a first job.
No one likes you but at least you’re a learning experience.
I just said “bye – bye” when I ended a phone call, and now I’m debating on if I should have my milk & cookies before or after recess.
The 9:50 from Paris has been diverted. Nothing to do with the weather, we just don’t like the French.
16th CENTURY KING: Fear not, for I have come
COURT JESTER: lol that’s what she spake
The easiest way to burn fat is cremation.