All of my horoscopes lately have started with “Ok, don’t freak out but…”
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Cryptocurrency, but it’s just dead people buying stuff.
Roadkill is just a goth zoo
“you’re too pretty to be so sad.”
aww well you’re too cognitive to be so ignorant, but here we are.
My wife sighed from the other room, which can mean one of 2,639 things.
I’ve been with my bf for a little over a year now and my future mil has already vowed to never speak to me again. How was I chosen for this blessing? Did I win some kind of award?
Not sure where I went wrong, he said he liked “it wild” so I crawled through his window dressed as Pennywise and dragged him into the woods but; maybe he’s not into redheads.
“This is the fourth lot of bacon to go missing this week. It can only mean one thing.”
“What’s that Sarge?”
“Someone’s building a pig.”
Teacher: You’re a grown adult, why can’t you help your child with their math homework?!
Me: Sorry, I’ll try 105% harder
Teacher: You know what, please don’t!
Guys in the 90’s who got the barbed wire tattoo on their bicep, but only half goes halfway around your arm, you come up for air yet from the decades of drowning in pussy?
Wife: I’m leaving
Me: I’m not surprised, spending so much time at home has shown how much we live for superficial joys to disguise how sad we are together
Wife: I’m leaving to go to Walmart
Me: ooh get chocolate
Him: This is the best sand castle I’ve ever built!
Her: We’re gonna die in this desert aren’t we?
*Buys Samsung smart fridge. Opens app every 15 minutes to see if there’s anything good in there*
boss: why are you so late?
me: why are you so obsessed with me?
At Walmart during the holidays like..
As we start watching horror movies for October, this is more relevant than ever.
My nephew said the cherries in my refrigerator had gone bad. They’re moonshine cherries, so yeah, they aren’t exactly choir boys.
if we all just stop paying bills at the same time what they gon do
Hitlers gonna hitl
Imagine being in the Trojan horse with the lads, pure darkness and giggling like hehehe
Wife: did you know hippos kill way more people every year than sharks?
Me: how? by sitting on them? lol.
Hippo: [in the booth next to ours at Denny’s] I’m gonna kill him.
Titanic
Titanic 2: Ship Happens
Titanic 3: Let It Sink In
Titanic 4: The Quest For Peace
me, a police sketch artist: is this him?
witness: did… did you glue macaroni on the paper?
Granmas leave the plastic fruit display with your bite marks on it to remind you of what you did 35 years ago
I just want a man who’ll drag me to the bedroom, throw me on the bed & do dirty dishes while I take a nap. Is that too much to ask for?
Kids: We are making you a Christmas gift!
Me: Oh, that is so sweet-
K: *pull out paint*
Me: You really don’t-
K: *pull out glue*
Me: Really, guys, I don’t need-
K: *pull out glitter*
Me: Christmas is cancelled.
Therapist: What’s the problem?
Wife: He makes friends with the strangest things
Me [petting a bee]: You’re not strange are you Alan
sorry, eggs benedict are way too fancy for me. bring me some eggs steve
I wear my tattoos on the inside. Ever since having discount back surgery from a guy named “Spider.”
TV: wanna watch a show about a white dude from Wisconsin?
Women: no
TV: he’s a serial killer who eats people
Women: WHY AM I NOT WATCHING THAT RIGHT NOW
The Hobbit 4:
Bilbo’s relatives auction off his stuff
Bilbo puts on his ring
One by one, his relatives die under mysterious circumstances