i don’t trust anyone who says they miss high school
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Oh eggs, through yonder window break. For I am the olive oil, and Juliet is the vinegar. Salt to taste. Blend to desired thickness
– Romayo and Juliet
Sounds painful and this is the weirdest pick up line ever. Can I just pay for my stuff and leave? Mmm-k, Thanks.
The note on this boxed wine says ‘Fresh up to 6 weeks after opening’
6 weeks. lol.
if you dating baby shark you single to me. what he gonna doo doo doo doo doo doo
Jesus has returned! He’s in my DMs asking for Amazon gift cards and has terrible grammar. But it’s TOTALLY him.
Walk into any flower shop and ask to see the chlamydias. That never gets old.
wife: did you change the baby?
me: no and i never will because i love him for who he is.
Midwest trash talk
Champagne lovers are bubblyophiles
Leaving the group chat so I can focus on my responsibilities as a Shark Tank subbreddit moderator .
[throws milk at cows]
go be with your family
Why is “silly goose” a phrase have u ever met a goose they are the most serious and powerful dinosaur lookin monsters I’ve ever encountered not one of them is silly
ME *traps wasp under a cup*
MAGICIAN GHOST WHO HAUNTS ME: *appears & sets down 2 more cups*
ME: no
MAGICIAN GHOST: *starts to shuffle them*
Apparently they don’t want you sipping your beverage from a brown paper bag at work.
The first rule of Illiteracy Club is no reading. That was a test, and you failed. You’re failing now. You’re not welcome in Illiteracy Club.
Jewelry stores should just be like: Whether you’re trying to be nice or trying to get laid- we got you covered.
Monday: *exists*
Me: I didn’t agree to any of this.
Please, sir, my system. It’s very nervous.
“Last call for flight 254”
[Runs to gate]
“You barely made it”
[out of breath] This isnt my flight. I just wanted to tell you I’m a vegan
If you see me on my balcony practicing my karate, just keep driving…I don’t want you getting pregnant.
“You know how when birds fly in a V formation one side is always longer?”
“Yeah. Why is that?”
“There are more birds on that side.”
Imagine how tall this baby will be when it’s fully grown.
I tried to kill a bug with febreeze but it didn’t work and now the room smells like lilac and fear.
6: *practicing her gymnastics beam routine*
Me, with my hand stuck in a Pringles can: don’t forget to point your toes!
CASHIER: Would you like a plastic bag you worthless, turtle killing garbage person?
What they say: “Wow, you’re really photogenic.”
What they mean: “Wow, this looks nothing like how ugly you actually are.”
Fetch me my Twitter, Kenth. Time to see how many of my tweets went virus. Ah yes, here it is, none. That’ll be all Kenth. Same time tomorrow
when all of your friends are at a bar that doesn’t allow you inside because one time you brought a sword in there
Library patron on the phone is furious that we’re holding her responsible for a DVD that she swears she never checked out and besides it’s such a stupid movie she didn’t even finish watching it.
the thing about the weather getting colder is that it makes you think you want to date someone when what you want is heavy socks