People should be teaching kids to spell by changing the wifi password every week to something increasingly complicated
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“Trust your gut”
the thing that can’t handle spicy foods? Okay, sure
Like, obviously I’m against a baby fight club on a moral basis but in terms of humor it’s gold
I once spent some time with my grandson’s second grade class so I think I have a pretty good idea of how government works.
her: well don’t just stand there, say something
me: they should make paintbrushes that look like bob ross
her: i said i’m pregnant matt
me: his hair could be the brush part
*finds own number on a bathroom stall*
Call for a good time!? This is outrageous!
*crosses out good; writes in GREAT*
There. Fixed.
GOD: why aren’t there more plants on earth?
ANGEL: the snails are doing a bad job of pollinating the flowers
GOD: ok then let’s go to plan bee
*while scrolling Facebook
I’m so glad Congress is going to make Facebook protect my data!
*clicks on “What Harry Potter character is your social security number?”
Everyone says to marry your best friend but her husband gets all pissed off whenever I suggest it.
Everyone compliments the jumpsuit when you wear it out—but when you get to the bathroom it’s just you and your choices
WIFE: I’m leaving you because of your constant mansplaining. I can’t believe you didn’t see the writing on the wall.
ME: That’s called graffiti, Sharon.
Gravity is just the earth being really clingy
Today is “bring your dog to work day”. I thought it was “bring your dawg to work day”. So now DeShaun has to leave. Sorry dawg
you either dated people in middle school or you’re funny now
Parents these days take their kids to the E.R for scraped knees and paper cuts..
When I was 11 I died and my mom told me to walk it off
When they ask if you got a minute and then you sit and watch the typing bubbles for 15 min.
ME: so I’m taking him down the hall and he’s like “have a nice day” and I’m like “you too”
OTHER DEATH ROW GUARD: omg that’s so embarrassing
Kids make friends in 5 seconds, adults make friends in 5 drinks.
Me: I need a minute to play with myself to get hard
Wife: *smirking* ok
Me: *pulls out my game boy*
You are more likely to die in a plain crash than a fancy crash
doctor: any allergies?
me, remembering the time a loaf of frozen bread fell on my head: gluten.
When Squidward lost his job and had to stay with Spongebob and he tried to tell Spongebob the TV didn’t work n Spongebob said THAT’S TWO THINGS THAT DON’T WORK 😭😭😭😭
I gave my Yorkie a haircut today. Now I know how lion wrestlers feel.
“Hi, my daughter will be late to school because she can zip up her jacket by herself.”
I broke up with a guy because he killed a horse on Skyrim.
I was tired of arguing with my 3yo about getting dressed for school, so I made a sticker chart. Now, we also argue about stickers.
An amish party in the desert called churning man.
client: i’m nervous
attorney: relax
prosecutor: the defendant is guilty
attorney: oh my god [looks at client]
client: what
attorney: you said you were innocent
captain: *drops anchor over side of boat*
me: great now who’s gonna do the news
When I awoke this morning my husband lovingly walked toward me, bent down, kissed the dog on the forehead and whispered, “I won’t be long” then left in case you want to know what a rockin’ hot marriage is like
Friend: are you ready for our hike?
Me: *filling my camelback with french onion soup* just about