What I say:
Please don’t jump on the sofa arm.What they hear:
Kids, this is a pommel horse. Enjoy.
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My kids said parenting is easy so I let them put the toddlers socks and shoes on and now everyone is crying.
“Let the chips fall where they may.”
-My kids when they’re eating chips on the couch.
Kids: Thanksgiving is boring.
Me: Maybe grandma will trip over the dog again.
Kids: YAY!
DOCTOR: “How do you feel about taking medication?”
ME: “Uh, fine, I guess… but usually, I just pay for it.”
I genuinely don’t remember making you all this stupid.
It’s so funny when someone writes a song to try to get someone to have sex with them. That’s what a bird would do!
[in Starbucks]
“It’s Ian with one i”.
“We only need your first name Mr Wivwanaye”.
The best letter to the editor in today’s @TB_Times.
Not to jinx this, but last time there was a highly anticipated London wedding on TV, the groom said Rachel’s name instead.
Movies lie. I’ve never woken up in the morning with perfectly coiffed hair and pristine makeup. I always look like Sideshow Bob after a hard night of drinking
[coaching little league]
KID: did I do good today,coach
ME: you ate 4 dandelions in the 3rd inning alone, Brayden
Me: I’ll take a double cheeseburger, large fries and supersized coke…
Nurse: Sir, this is a colonoscopy
Me(being handcuffed): Oh, now it’s illegal to throw a house warming party?
Cop: For the last time, it’s called arson.
Cop: so are you guys in some sort of polyamorous sex thing?
Raphael: what? no we’re brothers.
Cop: oh. It’s just with the matching outfits I thought-
Leonardo: no we like girls. human girls
Cop: is that… is that less weird?
I may not understand women, but cheeseburgers have never sent me mixed signals, and for that they’ll always have my heart.
The Chopped contestants open their ingredients box, each finding the head of a loved one. Two scream, the third is thinking “bourbon glaze”.
Me: I hate it when I realize I’ve made a bad decision, but I’m too far in to turn back.
Bartender: One more then?
Me: Yep
$500,000 to have my head cryogenically preserved or $1.59 for a Slurpee to give me a brain freeze?
Wife: Nothing you could say could convince me that cockroaches aren’t the worst.
Me: Wall-E’s friend was a cockroach.
Wife: Except that.
The human body is 90% water, so we’re basically just cucumbers with anxiety.
indiana jones: time to explore ancient caves, fight nazis, and seek treasure
idaho jones: time to eat potatoes again
I may seem confident on the outside but deep down on the inside I remember every time I’ve accidentally leaned on a light switch.
My 5yo after I picked her up from school, “someone in my class died…” as I gasped she said, “his hair.” Idk why she had to add that long pause.
Me as a kid: I’m bored.
What my parents heard: “I would like some manual labor please.”
her: tell me something you’ve never told anyone else
me: *whispering* i think the owl people are already among us
her: who?
me: holy shit
I used to work out because I wanted a hot body. Now I work out so I don’t have to hide bodies.
Boss: I want only essential employees in the office.
[next day]
Boss [looking at me]: why are you here
[Hot Wheels cars zooming through entire house] “I SWEAR TO GOD KAREN IF YOU DISCONNECT ANY PART OF THIS TRACK I’M DIVORCING YOU”
If you can tell from my eye contact at the grocery store that I’m inviting you to race shopping carts, you’re my kinda people.
I followed this woman on a bike with an empty baby seat for a half a mile yelling, “your baby jumped out!” before she gave me the finger.