Neighbor just yelled at me for playing in his sprinkler.
Note to self, I should wear clothes next time.
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IT’S NOT A PHASE, DAD
Just blocked a guy for accusing me of being “all talk”. On Twitter.
Loan me a couple bucks?
“Sure”
*throws 2 huge deer carcasses on counter*
Dude where did u get those?
“…”
Can I even pay with these?
Tried to impress 9 by making up sentences containing 3 of her vocabulary words at once, so now she knows what “nerd” means.
Despite 100s of years of evolution, when someone is vomiting our brains can only ever come up with “are you alright?”
Trying to use the phone’s flashlight to look inside its own charging port.
ME: if you’re under my roof you follow my rules
SON: fine
ME: well?
SON: *sighs* a ninja turtle could beat up a transformer
ME: thank you
[interrogation]
Cop: what were you doing last nite?
Me: I was killin my neighbour, Bert
Cop: louder for the tape please
Me [leaning in]: I was filling in paperwork. I’m a busy guy
Me: Do you remember when I told you-
Husband: No.
Dad: *puts arm around my shoulder* Just remember son, if it doesn’t go well it’s always ok to just dust yourself off and try again until you get it right
*his eyes flicker to my younger brother for just a split second too long*
I never understood why that family in Poltergeist stayed in the house after all the crazy shit they went through. But then again, here we all are, for some reason still on Twitter.
I just leave my autocorrects so people will think I’m really passionate about ducks.
me: i have a thought
twitter: are you sure you want to choose violence?
One time a girl told me to take off her shirt and I was like wow ok it doesn’t really fit me anyway.
DR DOG: *applying a cast to a broken bone* Are you sure you don’t just want me to cut it off?
FRIEND: *miming finger guns*
ME: *miming getting shot, crawling to safety, using crude implements and whiskey to perform self-surgery, successfully removing the bullet, passing out*
FRIEND: I forgot you do that
Child: [misbehaving]
Me [picking up phone]: That’s it, I’m calling Santa.
Child: Dad I’m 19.
Can you put some pants on my voodoo doll & pop some money in the pocket please
they can’t date any hot chicks #SnowmanDatingProblems
Mario Bros. Plumbing ★☆☆☆☆ (69 Reviews)
Hired them to clear my drain, stomped my turtle to death and ran off with my girlfri….
(Read More)
This feels like a totally reasonable reaction
#comics #webcomic #snowman #frosty
“I don’t want to sound ungrateful, Carl, but I think I’ll get the bus to work tomorrow”
sorry about the last 24 hours California, i brought back a mysterious relic from overseas but i’ve destroyed it now
“..,you will die in seven days”
*creepy voice on the phone*
Me; “new phone, who dis?”
When someone asks “You know what I think?”, I say “Yes I do”. End of discussion.
The dude at the airport parking lot turned on the heated steering wheel in our car we’ve owned for 2+ years and I have no idea how to turn it off. I didn’t even know we had a heated steering wheel.
My trainer said that I have to stop referring to Reese Cups as protein bars
My ex got a name tattoo of the girl he married after divorcing me and now they’re divorced already. I love that shit universe, keep it up.
A foreign kid asked me how to speak English the other day, so I teached him some.
Just violently swatted an almond with a flip flop if anyone needs a hero