Sing it!
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Losing your spouse can be hard.
But it’s not impossible.
Emojis are so weird. It’s like “I enjoyed your comment, here is a smiling disembodied head suffering from jaundice”.
I got myself a wrap on my way home at 2am & a girl outside stopped me and said “my boyfriend’s stormed off. do you want his chips?” and she gave them to me and got in her uber alone and sped away into the night. i miss her.
My mom is pretty relaxed about earthquakes.
Boating season is upon us.
Me:*about to chop vegetables, picks up a knife,*. That’s not a knife.
*picks up a larger knife,* Now that’s a knife!
Husband: You’re starting to loose your mind a little over there Crocodile Dundee.
My 10yr old just asked me to stop brushing her brain, when I put her hair up in a pony tail.
It’s Election Eve, Not Election and Steve!
A new fast-food joint called, Bish Wut U Want. The drive-thru greeting will be, Bish Wut U Want?
Who called it a hot dog rolling grill and not a roller toaster
Her: Hey, look at my selfie! I went to have my hair & makeup done today.
Me: So, they were closed?
Her:
Lmao I love the recipe blogger parents who are like “I’m just like you! I hardly
Have time on weeknights! Here is a little ditty I make when we are SUPER busy running between activities” and it starts out “first, spatchcock a whole chicken.”
Caught my son chewing on electrical wires.
So, I grounded him.
He’s doing better currently and conducting himself properly.
My 4yo is now doing the “I definitely don’t need to go to the toilet” dance
ME: How much for this aggressive bottle of water?
FIREFIGHTER: Sir that’s a hydrant
Marriage goals: I will die of mysterious causes & you will be the most feared widow in the village.
The fact that my predictive text suggests a potato after I type morning instead of a heart is really all you need to know about me
WIFE: i have a gynecologist exam today
ME: what?? i didn’t even know you were in med school
Me to anyone else: “it’s in that cabinet”
Me to my husband:
“it’s in the upper cabinet next to the fridge on the left at eye level. It’s bright green. It’s right there. IT’S RIGHT THERE”
Because I was late to the cannibal feast, they gave me the cold shoulder.
“There’s no I in TEAM,” he yells. “There’s no COACH in LOCKER ROOM,” I respond. He leaves in stunned silence, and is never seen again.
Wife’s been away since thursday, we ran out of spaghetti-o’s on friday, ate the dog yesterday, burned photo albums for heat today, pls help
“How is tofu made?”
Well, when an edamame loves an edadade very much….
Clearly my autocorrect has ship to say
Saw Paul Rudd trending and thought oh god no has he aged very slightly
Customer: where might I find chicken livers?
Me: on the inside
My ex is selling the vehicle I lost my virginity in. I really loved that skateboard.
17 yo didn’t do chores last night. I delete all songs on iPod and replace them with the theme song to Scooby Doo. Enjoy the bus to school.
Had a yard sale to raise some much-needed cash. I really miss that yard.
Isn’t is weird how we have one million dog breeds and everyone is like “goldendoodle” this or “chihuahua mix” that and if you ask someone what type of cat they have it’s just like “an orange one”