I told my wife Netflix is voice enabled and listening to her scream “I’M STILL HERE!” repeatedly at the TV is maybe the greatest thing ever.
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We flip out at the weatherman when he gets it wrong like twice a month. In the 1600s, if you guessed the weather correctly even once, they’d call you a witch and burn you at the stake.
The downside to posting jokes all the time is that if I tweeted “Help, I am in an Iranian prison” everyone would be like “haha good one”
The goldfish just gave me the “just flush me” look. No way pal. If I have to stay so do you.
💁🏻♂️
Daughter has prom tomorrow so I’ve been practicing my “Menacing Dad Face” all day….so far I’ve had a colleague offer me Tums.
Should I call tech support or pray or what
You know you’re getting old when the kids start referring to your savings as their inheritance.
Things to say instead of “I hope this email finds you well”
-I hope you reply quickly
-Now, pay attention
-I hope many things but life isn’t fair
-Listen in
-Let’s do this!
-I will say this only once
-Your hair looks nice
-I’m tired, let’s get this over with
-Here we go again…
An ambulance just went down my road. Within seconds I went running outside to see where it stopped. I have become my parents.
BOSS: this is our mortician, david
ME: *goes up for a high five* more like caDAVEer, amirite
DAVID:
ME: just gonna stiff me, huh?
DAVID:
ME: ᵒᶠ ᶜᵒʳᵖˢᵉ ʸᵒᵘ ᵃʳᵉ
For fun, DM “can I be honest with you…” and then walk away for 2 hours.
*washing car*
Neighbor: “You washing your car?”
Me: “No. I’m watering it to see if it grows into a bus.”
I hate it when they leave before I can make it awkward.
Fun Fact: 100% of people don’t know what to do with a dirty dish at someone else’s house.
Petition to change the term “Twitter Crush” to Tweetheart.
Trying to drop kids to school on time is a great way to learn to cuss under your breath
If inmates can pen pal their way into marriage, then there’s still hope for most of you.
Watching two people at work argue about who put the empty milk back in the fridge when it was me.
worm gf: would you still love me if i was a beautiful woman
I like to take a store-bought cake to a potluck and joke that I made it myself. As if people could actually make their own cakes!
How often do you think Jennifer Aniston uses the line “I’m not here to make Friends?”
Nice try, resealable potato chip bags.
Dang girl, are you an unreliable scientific claim? Because imma need you to BACK THAT UP
[Entomologist Meeting]
Guy 1: We found a new, wingless bug. Name ideas?
Guy who named the fly: A crawl?
G 1: Shut your goddamn mouth Todd
2-step verification should be at least somewhat dance related
ME: [gets into a car accident]
EMT: Sir, please step out of the vehicle, we’re trying to save lives
If you haven’t been to the Grand Canyon, I highly recommend it. It’s just gorges
I refuse to allow anyone to drive me crazy. My GPS says it’s within walking distance.
Today, my 3 year-old yelled at me because I forgot to close the fridge, then reminded me to turn off the kitchen light.
He just needs to fall asleep during a movie and his transformation into me would be complete.
I remember back in the day when you had to roll up a tiny scroll and give it to a falcon to tweet