When I was 18 I thought it would be cute to get a butterfly tattoo on my lower hip but after 6 c-sections it looks like a sad moth in a top hat.
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Best goalkeeper.. 😅
i want to work in this restaurant
I assume the #1 reason people change their identity is b/c they answered “You too” when the barista said “Enjoy your bagel.”
Person: Do you like using a wheelchair?
Me: I tried using a recliner, but it was useless for transportation.
Medusa: ok so I’ve decided I want bangs
hair stylist: *visibly pales
Whenever my teen cleans his room, I get a brand new set of dishes.
Irony is Westboro Baptist Church protesters writing “God Hates Fags” on rainbow colored signs.
I have an ungodly amount of Taco Bell hot sauce packets for being a grown woman who’s nutritionally responsible for two children.
My uncle was famous for being really quick with a shovel. You probably don’t know him though. He was only a miner celebrity.
Dear twitter thank you for telling me it’s not my fault……but wtf
Whenever people say “don’t judge me” I like to imagine them in the weird wigs British judges wear.
*whispers*
Judged you.
My favorite part of yesterday was when the cashier at Whole Foods couldn’t price an item & said “Here just take it I hate this fuckin place”
Safety first
she’s all “don’t sleep in the nude- what if there’s a fire and the fire men come and see you naked”
uh you pretty much described my fantasy
Jerry: He offered you a red pill and a blue pill?
George: Two pills, no water
Jerry: No water?
George: No water
Jerry: Cant take a pill without water
George: Never could
Jerry: So what’d you do?
George: I left. I’m not choking down a dry pill
Kramer enters in a leather coat
If you upload these, I hope you enjoy hell.
QUESTIONNAIRE
Do you need glasses?
[ ] Yes
[ ] NoX
In case anyone needs to feel better about their parenting, my 9yo saw someone inside Build-a-Bear wearing a reindeer costume and said, “Look Mom, it’s a furry.”
M: Bless me Father for I have sinned.
P: You’re not even Catholic.
M: You don’t want to hear what I did?
P: Oh, I do. I’ve read your tweets.
It could have been love, but then I caught her putting a perfectly good steak in an air fryer.
TRUTHFUL TUESDAY:
When my son was 7 he pissed me off so badly I pressed all the elevator buttons knowing every new rider would blame him.
Police officer: You get to make one phone call.
Me: Do I have to?
ME: Humans have 10,000 taste buds. Cats have 470
SON: So cats don’t have much taste
CAT [watching the emoji movie] haha this is hilarious
{First Day at FedEx}
me: tosses crystal vase onto wrong porch from 30 ft away
manager: wow you’re a natural
I guess if macaroni had to be named after a body part, elbow was better than some other options.
“I could stay awake just to hear you breathing…Watch you smile while you’re sleeping…”
Aerosmith = Romantic
Me = Restraining Order
[looking at my pill caddy]
My wife: Are these… M&M’s?
Me: I take the peanut butter ones right before bed
Music FACT: Australian singer-songwriter Sia has a younger sister called Wouldntwannabia.
I was going through a stack of yearbooks yesterday when I saw I was voted “Most Likely to Steal all These Damn Yearbooks”.