I wish forks had three prongs instead of four. I’d feel so powerful eating with a miniature trident. I want to dominate my food, not give it acupuncture.
You Might Also Like
The waitress brought me pulled pork sliders instead of beef sliders so I showed her who was boss
By quietly finishing my meal and tipping 30%
If you’re ever interested in having a near death experience just tell a girl she’s not hot enough to be that crazy.
“Kids today are pathetic” is NOT a good take from the generation raising today’s kids. It’s like giving a bad Yelp review to the restaurant you run.
If it takes 13 muscles to smile and 33 muscles to frown, then how can I tell if this girl is flirting with me and not just being lazy?
when giving your wife a massage know that there is never a right time to stop. 10 minutes? Don’t think so buddy. 1 hour? Keep going. 7 hours. I want more. The sun enveloping the Earth after a billion years? Now do my shoulders
Me: I’ll take $1,600, Alex.
Alex Trebek: In which category?
Me: No question. I just need $1,600.
Saying “have a nice day” to someone sounds friendly, but saying “enjoy your next 24 hours” sounds threatening.
Maybe Gotye was an actual goat that sold it’s soul for the chance to be a human with a hit song and now he is back to just being a goat
Nothing starts a conversation quite like wearing a tiara in Walmart.
9yo: Can I have McDonald’s for supper?
Me: Let me think about it
9yo: *gives me a hug*
9yo: Did that help?
I just want to be rich enough to stop giving people toilet paper for Christmas
If Reincarnation ends up being real…
Those People who got “YOLO” tattoos are going to look… Pretty Silly
Once upon a midnight dreary, While I pondered my next mealy, Came an empty tapping, a rapping at my pantry door. Quoth the Ramen “ever poor”
I got a 100 dollar giftcard to Kmart and now I can’t decide which Kmart I want to buy.
Not to brag, but I remember to take the cap off of a water bottle 75% of the time before taking a drink.
[during sex]
HER: can you turn off the light
ME: I thought you liked my mining helmet
Just saw an ambulance pull into a cemetery, like dude, you’re too late.
If you add orange juice to Jason Momoa you get a Jason Mimosa.
how come kids always get lice but you never hear about adults getting lice. no workplace ever brings the lice inspection lady in to check the office. no one comes home from work like “sorry honey. tim on the fifth floor gave everyone lice again”
You know when people wear 2 t-shirts at once and they look trendy and it looks really good on them well when I do it people are like “hey did you know you’re wearing two shirts”
Me: I’m going for a walk
Wife: Huh! I thought you were going to make fried rice?
Me: Yes, but you said to cook that right, I’ll need to use a walk
I’m glad they call themselves attorneys-at-law. I wouldn’t want to accidently hire an attorney-at-baking or an attorney-at-pottery.
outrunning all the dogs at the park and bringing the tennis ball back in my mouth
If you’re stuck in the wild, rub two mozzarella sticks together to start a pizza.
If your human doesn’t feed you immediately, run in front of their feet and trip them up.
~Cats, apparently.
Sorry to text you so late but can your dog come over?
My plumber found a blunt in my faucet.
No wonder my water bills are so high.#PlumbersDay
Saw a guy on the highway in the car next to me sneeze so I ran him off the road and into the barrier. We’re in this together, folks
Dear Neighbours,
“She’s coming” isn’t a great warning to give when I walk by and you stop talking.
When libraries troll their patrons.