Why are sloths one of the 7 deadly sins? Those little guys don’t hurt anybody. They just chill all day.
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Landlords be like “it’s an old building” alright then I’ll pay old rent, here’s 20 bucks it’s a fortune
me: this could have been an email
cop: step out of the car sir
If every human in the world jumps off a mountain we’ll probably eventually evolve to fly.
Sheryl Crow: This ain’t no disco. This ain’t no country club either.
Sheryl Crow – The world’s worst archaeologist.
Apple Computer is taking steps to
protect user privacy.Their new policy is iWon’t tell…iPromise
you always think you have the “dateline” story figured out in the first 20 minutes. but then someone goes jogging.
LITTLE BO PEEP: I’ve lost my sheep! I can’t remember where to find them!
DOCTOR: Sounds like Lambnesia
Him: what are you thinking about?
Me: how difficult do you think it would be to debone the little mermaid if you planned on filleting and eating her?
A party without Vodka is just a meeting.
Maybe the sharks are attacking people bc they think they are made of cake
[spelling bee]
Your word is “redacted”
can you use it in a sentence?
The ██ ████ is █████ ████ and ██ ████.
Setting my alarm for April Fools day so I remember not to trust my loved ones, and finally have a reason for it.
If Bats in Australia are THIS big, I’d hate to see the size of their Vampires
Maybe the dog broke my wife’s vintage cranberry glass vase, she don’t know.
Just had lunch with my 3rd grader at her school. She got embarrassed when I tried to kiss her. So, like any good mom, I started twerking.
Men eventually reach the age when they greet each other with “There he is.”
Google Maps says it’s a 29 minute walk, but where’s the secret calculation for the long-legged and impatient?
I needed a break from stupidity so I left work early.
you gotta turn your phone off when you fly in case an old plane text you and your new plane get jealous
The tag on my comforter touched my foot last night and that’s the first and last haunted house I’ll be visiting this year.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Hello! I’m really high sorry about my driving. I’m ready to order now.
*puts on ice skates*
so.. what am I supposed to do with these again?
*walks over a pizza to slice it*
there has to be a better way
I have no idea how the cavemen could afford to eat paleo.
Kylo Ren used to complain his parents were passive aggressive.
Well, boo hoo.
My dad was actively aggressive.
Just ask my hand.
I am in the battle of my life with tangled macrame and I may not make it. If a spider finds me, I’m screwed.
Me [being crucified]: my God, why have you forsaken me? *life flashes before my eyes* oh yeh, that’s why.
[TI and his daughter at OBGYN]
doctor, to TI’s daughter: u have a UTI
TI’s daughter: a what
doctor: UTI
TI: no I’m TI
Boss: You gonna get any work done today?
Me: Sorry Boss, I was up late watching the game, I’ll pick it up.
B: Who won?
M: Jack Daniels
[having sex]
Her: HARDER!
ME: Divide 110 into two parts so that one will be 150% of the other. What are the 2 numbers?
Her: 44&66 HARDER!