Australia. What doesn’t kill you will kill you tomorrow.
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I bought a Christmas tree today. The guy asked me if I was going to put it up myself.I said, “No, I’ll probably put it in the living room.”
I found an extra $9 in the bank! Get dressed baby we’re going to Little Caeser’s!
The worst is when you eat onions and then your fingers smell like onions and your breath smells like onions and you turn to your left and your dog has turned into an onion and you look out the window and the moon is an onion. Everything is onion now. Everything.
Whey they go low, I go high*
*can’t bend over due to age
my main career goal atm is to find a big bag of money in the woods
I can’t explain it but making the bed changes me on a deep spiritual level. Stressed? Make the bed! The rest of your house is in shambles? Ahhhh look at that nice made bed, luxury! 5 mins before bedtime but you forgot to make the bed? Simply make the bed and get in it.
7: so those people think belle is weird because she’s walking around?
me: i guess so
7: and because she likes books?
me: um…yeah
7: but at least she’s pretty right?
me: …let’s watch moana instead
she’s all “don’t sleep in the nude- what if there’s a fire and the fire men come and see you naked”
uh you pretty much described my fantasy
*drops cheese*
You: Five second rule!
Pet owners: lol
The Dalai Lama and Gandhi aren’t the same? I thought they were basically Miley Cyrus/Hannah Montana. I feel like people are messing with me.
Nothing gets my Batman voice going quite like seeing my kid put a third pair of socks into the hamper before noon.
*to woman next to me in yoga*
how do you get the mat to stop curling back up
Avocado: not ripe
Avocado: not ripe
Avocado: not ripe
Avocado: I’M RIPE NOW
Avocado: okay you were in the bathroom so I rotted
I use a wheelchair. When someone asks the person I’m with “What’s her name?” I tell the person I’m with to say “I don’t know, let’s take her to the vet and see if she has a microchip.”
When you stub your toe but there are kids around.
Anytime a guy says “that’s what she said” always reply with “yeah, but not to you”.
I said I couldn’t care less, but look at that… you proved me wrong
Shout out to the little teapot song for making it okay to be short & stout.
The hardest thing about ghost hunting is cutting its head off so you can mount it on your wall
My favorite sex move is the reverse fire fighter. That’s where you get him all hot & then climb out the window & drive away in his truck.
I know restaurants have to make a living but a pet hate is “extra toppings: £2.30!” and then it’s clearly one anchovy or half an olive spread around the pizza
Just thought I’d let everybody know that
I passed my paintball exam…with flying colors…
I once dated guy who talked so much about his ex-wife that I broke up with him and started dating her.
Good news, I don’t have the virus. Bad news, I can still taste my cooking.
It’s not every day Woody Harreslon writes your daughter a poem 🥹
I had to make an important phone call and now I know my 9-year-old can yodel.
*smokes fat doobie*
*enters hotdog eating contest*
*sets Guinness World Record*
*gets disqualified for using performance-enhancing drugs*
Every room is a panic room if someone over 40 in there ate cheese in the last hour
Skeleton: I’m you from the future
Me: how long?
Skeleton: 2 months
Me: are you here to warn me?
Skeleton: no you’re already screwed, just drink more milk for me