[arguing with friend about chemistry]
*cop walks up* do we have a problem here?
Me: No. We will find a solution once you argon, officer.
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-Balderdash!
-Codswallop!
-Tommyrot!
-Poppycock!Victorian Era YouTube comments
Tried out a new set of long handled surgical forceps.
In lesser news, It turns out that I didn’t need that toenail after all.
Damn boy are you a stormtrooper, because you’re never gonna hit this
We’re out of milk.
Eh, kids can drink water.We’re out of bread.
PB&J on hot dog buns it is!We’re out of coffee.
WHAT. Get my keys.
who called it carrying your cell phone in your front pocket instead of hot signals in your area
Jesus, take the wheel!
*steering wheel disappears*
*car careens into tree*
Sure, everyone thinks a chubby dude in a diaper shooting people with a bow & arrow is cute until I do it at Starbucks & please send bail.
Welcome to parenthood. Bring spare clothing everywhere you go. For the baby, for you, for your spouse, for the cashier at the grocery store, for the person sitting next to you on the plane…
a fun thing to do when you get a compliment is yell “it’s NOT my FAULT”
This cop standing next to my car wouldn’t let me finish my tweet until I signed something for him.
Why are some people so needy?!
I just sneezed and made direct eye contact with my dog and we somehow didn’t switch bodies wtf disney??
Removed my spanx slip and accidentally ricocheted myself into the neighbors backyard.
Keep thinking about asking out a woman that works at my gym but if we end up back at my place she’ll see that I’ve been stealing towels.
Flex on a demon by possessing it first.
Reasons my teen is mad this morning
– I took her shopping
– I bought the shirt she wanted
– I asked her to wear the shirt
– I don’t understand why the shirt doesn’t have the vibes
friend: have u seen garfield as spiderman?
me: omg not yet is there a tail hole in his suit??
friend: it’s andrew garf-
me: *nodding, sitting back down* andrew garfield
Starting my own Mafia! Looking for:
1. About 5-6 oafish goons
2. A “supply guy”
3. Level 4 Mage
4. ????
5. Someone named Tony
There’s “disappointment” and then there’s “Waiter walking past my table with food I thought was mine disappointment”
Forever 21 has gone bankrupt.
One more Forever that didn’t last.
Person having heart attack: do you know cpr?
Me: no *pulling out phone* are they on spotify?
Less than two weeks until Canadian Thanksgiving.
Better start marinating the beaver.
So many Jesus accounts…and not one is verified
Between my boy tucking his shirt in his shorts & my girl wearing socks w/ sandals I’m confident I won’t ever have to talk to them about sex.
Are there any police officers willing to come to my house in uniform and tell my kids that not listening to me is against the law
“White Purr!” – Ku Klux Kat
It’s so windy, my dog keeps stopping, looking back at me and dropping that “you gonna fix this shit?” look.
My daughter asked me if I’d be very upset if she didn’t live with me when she’s a grownup so I told her I’d try my best once I stopped laughing
until mcdonalds agrees to make their hamburgers healthy i will be boycotting a different mcdonalds location every day. today I’ll start with the mcdonalds furthest from me and work towards me. I’ll be getting a burger at the nearest mcdonalds until this is rectified
It’s hard to explain to people who love Facebook that I am not on Facebook because of the people who love Facebook.
SANTA, tied up, black eye: You boys are in a lot of trouble with Mrs. Claus.
HEAD KIDNAPPER: Oh really? And what is she going to do? Bake cookies at us?
SANTA: Well, no. But before we were married, she was Head Valkyrie of Valhalla.
HK: Is…is that so?
*distant Wagner music*