Government: I can’t believe you committed tax fraud
Me: what? What did I do??
Government: wouldn’t you like to know
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THE EXORCIST (1973) An incompetent priest botches a routine case.
What adults say: I’m just gonna close my eyes for a minute.
What adults mean: goodnight see you tomorrow
I have literally never asked anyone where was the library in Spanish. What other lies did I learn in school?
Wife: Ow, a bee just stung me!
Me: uhoh guess i have to pee on u
Wife: that’s for jellyfish
Me: [unzipping pants] bees don’t sting jellyfish
He reacted like the people in those David Blaine street magic videos
Basically, our plans for the satanic ritual fell through, because we couldn’t agree on whose turn it was to get the goat.
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: rewatching Frozen.
Wife: why?
Me: so I know what’s going on when I take our Daughter to see Frozen II.
Wife: why?
Me: so we can talk about both movies on the drive home.
Wife: why?
Me: cause she loves Frozen and I want to share this with her.
check in attendant: are you flying alone?
me: I’ll probably need a pilot
TREE: omg what happened to you
LOG: i was hacked
I dont mean to sound racist, but why is my baby black?
*doctor sighs for like 3 mins*
“Sir, its an ultrasound”
*Seinfeld bass riff for days*
Whenever I’m feeling stressed I like to take a deep breath & think about every mistake I have ever made.
My husband before the holidays: I don’t need anything
My husband right after the holidays: I’ve always wanted this thing, and also I really really want this, and I’d love to have this other thing
6 yo son: Who would win a fight between a hippo and a lion?
Me: I dunno, maybe the hippo because he’s big and can stomp?
6: Wrong, the lion has a knife.
It’s all fun and games until the music playing over the dept store intercom gets to the lift part in Dirty Dancing, but the mannequin with no arms that you’ve been dancing with doesn’t catch you.
Really bruh?
I told her, no I don’t want to go to the cleaners, you go do it!
–she did but she took my phone with her.
90 people have swine flu and everybody wants to wear a mask. A million people have AIDS and nobody wants to wear a condom.
My husband is taking me on a shopping spree for my bday. I am dressed like I’m about to run a 5k. He is dressed like we are going to a fancy dinner. I gently explained that he grossly underestimated my ability to go the distance and he better hope his shoes are comfortable.
I’m just a mom, standing in front of her child, trying to convince them to go to the activity they convinced me to sign them up for.
Groom: Dude, the invitation was for Gandalf the Grey.
Gandalf: Oh, it’s Gandalf the White now.
Bride: [fuming]
Gandalf: [looks fabulous]
When you recharge your toothbrush AND change the head on it at the same time……then forget you did it.
It’s cool. I’m pretty sure gums grow back.
Woke up with a hangover to the sound of my neighbor cutting the grass. He can cut around me, I’m not movin’.
Interviewer: we’re looking for someone responsible
Me: perfect, I was responsible for everything that went wrong at my last job
Got a scam email full of mistakes like they’re not even trying. It won’t be long before AI takes their jobs.
Came back from the doctor and told my wife that I was perfectly healthy and I could’ve sworn she mouthed the word “crap”.
If you thought the Dalai Lama giggled alot, then you obviously never met the Mwahaharajah
my tamagotchi never lived more than 24 hours at a time sure i’ll hold your baby.
It’s “Bring Your Kids To Work Day” and all my cats are fighting in the break room.
*Running late
*Light turns green but car in front wont go
*About to honk when reads bumper sticker: honk if you love disco
*Is late for work
Every fifteen minutes, a teenager crashes his car due to texting and driving. I hope he gives up, because he’s obviously not good at it.