On HGTV they can flip a house in a month and I’ve been “getting ready to vacuum” for the past two weeks.
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I want my leggings so high waisted I can pull them up over my head and wear them as a hood
My neighbor just pulled into his driveway with a new washer and dryer and now he’s headed this way …. So this gives me about 4 seconds to dislocate my shoulder.
Women’s voices naturally get higher as they get excited so if you’re in bed and she still sounds like Morgan Freeman, try harder.
Having someone sing you to sleep is sooo comforting . . . until you realize you are the only one in the room.
when you’re broke you really start pondering. like if i didn’t buy that taco in 2018 i would have that $6 rn
I bring giant stuffed animals into carnivals so when I walk around people will think that I am good at something.
If you gain 4lbs in one weekend that just means you’re an overachiever.
Me: Who had two thumbs and just had a bandsaw accident? This guy
Doctor: Which Guy?
White Walkers need coffee too #WinterIsHere
Suffering from kleptomania?
You should take something.
what I say: WE RIDE AT DAWN
what I mean: Let’s meet at noonish for brunch and a nature walk
My friend was too embarrassed to tell people she met her husband on Tinder so she started telling people she met him at a family reunion instead because that’s less awkward..
Shot my first turkey today. . scared the shit out of everyone in the frozen food section…
How do German people not choke to death when they talk
Miss 9: When I grow up I’m going to have this house. When you.. you know..
*first date*
her: I can suck a golf ball through a garden hose
me: I like the sound of that
her: mmmmm oh do you now.
me: yes, I have two young kids. any chance you could suck a ham and cheese sandwich out of a dvd player?
Me: Now remember, just let me do all the talking.
Wife:
Marriage counselor:
Me: I think we’ve made a lot of progress here today.
karate teacher: “break this wood”
me: “why?”
karate teacher: “i dunno, pretend it’s mugging you”
me: [gives wood my wallet]
[Driving w/date in car]
Date [turns radio to country]
Me [reaches over date, opens passenger door] This isn’t working. [Hits eject button]
I’ve just found a mole on my shoulder.
I don’t know how he got out of the garden but he’s cute.
I could be in a store desperately looking for gauze to treat a knife wound and I’d still tell a clerk that approached me I was just browsing
me: what’s our criminology class on?
friend: cannibalism
me: [gasping] a hannibal lecture
No thanks Facebook Live, if I wanted to see people doing stupid things in real time I’d just go visit my family.
opening and closing my bank account like I do the fridge hoping things will improve
Our new puppy has peed on the floor four times in two hours, beating my previous record by 30 minutes.
Her: I hate organized religion
Me *trying to unnoticeably re-jumble my religion drawer*: psh, oh yeah, me too
When I say “seriously!” with either of the eyebrows raised, it could be a thinly disguised euphemism for wtf!!!
Don’t worry if you haven’t disappointed anyone today, I’ve disappointed enough people for both of us.
How much for the Ice Cream Scoop?
Ma’am, that’s a Shovel.