“That sucked.”
-Elephants who just saw The Peanuts Movie
You Might Also Like
I’m convinced that this trip to Toronto will end with my being arrested for not being nice enough.
Me: I don’t understand why no one takes me seriously.
Also me: *wearing Cheetos like walrus tusks*
9YO: What will we be watching for the the family movie night
Me: Hang on, give me a…
7YO *sighs*: … We’ll be watching daddy play 24 trailers and then fall asleep
Anyone know how to create an Outlook rule that sends every email to junk, deletes it, blocks the sender, and sets my laptop on fire?
When you find out your hotel has a waffle bar.
ok children, just to recap today’s lesson, let’s now repeat all the words you are not supposed to say.
35+ crowd getting ready for the Teddy Riley vs Babyface battle
Crocodile towels ☺ @funTweeters @fun_tweets
*ties husband’s hands to headboard*
*turns out lights*
*opens laptop*“Welcome to my PowerPoint presentation ‘Curtains: How About These?'”
[at recycling center]
Me: *unloads 46 bags of crushed aluminum cans*
Cashier: Wow! *hands me $1*
sleeper makes drafting your fantasy team easy👇
Sorry, guy outside grocery store with a heavy bag and one arm in a sling, but I can’t help you. Ted Bundy ruined that for everyone.
My favorite thing about single people is how they champion being single till they like someone then they transform into a hypocritcalpotamus
“Try to be more socially interactive”, they said
“Engage with the wider community”, they said
“You have the right to remain silent”, they said
I hope this email finds you well. But if you’re well, that means you were able to answer my previous emails, so honestly I’d feel better if this email finds you unwell.
It’s 10:25pm and one of my kids just came downstairs and asked what’s for dinner.
I guess I need to start doing head counts from now on.
God: you’re a fire ant.
Fire Ant: what does that mean?
God: when you bite something it burns like fire.
Fire Ant: [gasp] you mean I’m a dragon?
God: what-no.
Fire Ant: i’m the teensiest dragon!
*at a shower
Our next game is using a roll of toilet paper to dress her in a death shroud.
[friend whispers to me]
Sorry. Wedding dress.
Autocorrect says I am currently: all out of ducks to give, most of you are full of shot, twitter is overrun by aunts and life is a birch
me: i’m so sad and hopeless and directionless
my brains: buy stuff
me: no listen i need a purpose
brain: a purchase?
Janice, from HR: Ok, so we’re clear. From now on no biting, right?
Me: Yeah, whatever. *adds “influenced policy” to my resume*
Eye Exam Lamaze Class
Emergency
🤝
Dilated Pupils
The minute you start feeling good about your parenting Stacy from Facebook posts about her son winning the Nobel Peace Prize.
Women never find it devilishly charming when I follow them into the lady’s room. Thanks a lot, “Top Gun”.
I had no intention of viewing your webinar until you used “and more” as a bullet point in your email and seduced me with the allure of intrigue and mystery
. No Shoes
No Shirt
No Problem
Welcome To Walmart.
British people tell you that they live in a real country and then introduce you to someone called the Marchioness of Cholmondeley
Yeah… My camera adds 30 pounds. But Photoshop takes it back off.
Relationship Status:
My Christmas tree and I are sharing a large bottle of water.
A sip for you, a sip for me.
“Rapunzel! Let down your hair!”
RAPUNZEL: Hey hair, ya wanna go get ice cream?
HAIR: Yeah!
RAPUNZEL: Well too bad. Because we’re not.