There used to be many different names for the childhood game of knocking on doors and running away. But these days, it’s simply referred to as ‘being an Amazon driver’.
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Follow, because I write books and you imagine I will impart great wisdom to aspiring writers. Unfollow, because I mostly tweet about squirrels and the dead mouse I found in the basement that one time.
Wanna quit smoking? Wear boxing gloves. Can’t light them and you can beat people.
Scientists at the Federal Helium Reserve indicate they’re storing a billion cubic meters of helium gas. It’s a lot funnier when they say it.
9:30am meeting for my new job tomorrow and I really can’t believe people start work at the break of dawn like this.
My first date was awful. Never eaten them since.
You guys ever see the Malaysian Matrix
I want my house to be tidy enough so that if people stop by unannounced, it doesn’t look like I adopted a bear with a jug stuck on its head.
Hi, I’m pleased to announce that I’ve arrived just in time to make everything worse
Single people at the grocery store are without a care in the world as if they don’t have to worry about bringing home the wrong yogurt
A homeless man randomly asked me if I was from Minnesota yesterday, so I replied, “no, but once I stabbed a guy who grew up in Minneapolis”
If your therapist thinks your alien abduction stories make you sound delusional, just wait till they hear about your TC.
My shower head has 2 settings; remove top layer of skin, or wash away sins.
May we all have the confidence of my 9y/o who told his father after a week of playing ymca soccer…“Well, I’m pretty much 40% as good as Messi now…”
Me: My wife says I never pay attention
Her: I’m not your wife
Turns out inside one of the IKEA sofa boxes was actually a marriage counselor.
Me: What are we doing for Valentine’s Day?
My Husband: Raising three kids
It is what it is. Unless it’s cauliflower. Then it is what it isn’t.
I get all my cardio the old fashioned way; by running from my problems.
I know this intervention is serious business but I see absolutely no snacks here.
Me: Do you want to sign up for dance in the fall?
7: Yeah!!
Me: Which classes do you like best?
7: I don’t really like any of them. I just like dance because you get free costumes at the end.
Me:
7:
Me:
7:
Me: *blinks* I’m sorry, did you say free?
[text message]
Coworker: Can I call you quick?
Me: No, that’s what my wife calls me
The idea is to just keep scrolling on your phone until you die.
LIFE HACK: dont jump over a dog becuase he wil get comfused and thimk ur a frisbee and try to bite u
Boss: Are you high?
Me: If I was high could I do this?
*teleports two inches to the right*
Me: I’m having a heart attack
My brother: I’ll get the defibrillator
Me (grabbing his arm): no, get it now
The celebrity couple name for Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton is Clump.
I missed two of my mom’s calls, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.
Put a mirror on the ceiling.
She said.
It will be sexy.
She said.
Terrify yourself every morning.
I found out.
me: sorry I have to go my, uh, cat is texting me
date: omg just tell me you’re not interested
cat still texting: THE GOOD LITTER HAVE I MADE MYSELF CLEAR
No one:
My dog on our 6 am walk: this is my emotional support dirty sock