Autocorrect and I are so close, we finish each other’s sentinels.
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How do I tell my doctor I only like him as a friend
Hornets: they’re terrified of us. Our name is fine.
Murder Hornets: ok boomer
Cop: Are you drunk?
Me: Could a drunk person do this? *I just piss my pants*
Cop: WOW. Yes actually.
Me: That was supposed to be a backflip
me: the best things in life are free!
lawyer: again, I don’t think the bank you robbed sees it that way
*drops pizza slice on the floor
Hey can I get another slice?
*eats slice that fell on the floor then eats new slice
Neat, your girlfriend is made out of the same stuff as your air guitar!
Women: The best part of my day, is taking off my bra.
Men: Same.
I showered and left the house. The least you could do is fall madly in love with me
The directions to this wedding are in kilometers. I’m either going to be way early or way late.
I know Chernobyl like the hand on my back.
Asked a Target employee if I could open this camera before I buy it and he said he wouldn’t even care if I killed someone in front of him.
[making out on couch]
me: well, wanna take it a step further and see if we’re compatible 😉
date: yes 😉
me: ok let me just get… you know… from my nightstand
[coming down stairs 2 minutes later]
me: whoa *holding sorting hat* why are you naked
if you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all: I watched Rebel Moon 2 and the Netflix app worked well. showed me the entire movie. in color
And on the 8th day, God created atheists and said, “Oh man, you’re not gonna believe this.”
any man with a ponytail is never more than 15ft away from a katana at any given time
I think it’s obvious that Goo Goo Dolls and Lady Gaga should do a side project together and call it Goo Goo Gaga.
My wife gives me the speaking treatment.
Me: Sir, is this corn maze GMO free?
Him: It’s five dollars.
Silly me thought that doggy poop bags were designed to open
[slowly rises from trashcan while 2 friends are making plans without me]
i am also free that day.
The level of giddiness I experience when someone I hate says something stupid in front of an audience is a tiny bit embarrassing.
The age-old question ….
Are we alone ?Of course we’re not.
There are 320 million other
idiots on Twitter besides us.
My son will never know the thrill of illegally downloading Thong Song on napster and waiting 1h39m for it to download
Me: Tel the doctor I’m coughing up a lung and need to be seen ASAP.
Medical Clerk: That’s awful, hun. How about a month from Monday.
[haunted house]
Me: I’m terrified
Jessica: is it the rattling chairs
Erica: is it the bleeding doors
Sarah: is it the possessed portraits
Kate: is it the shaking coffins
Me: I’ve never spoken to this many girls before
I had so much fun spending some time with my 8yo nephew at the park until he got tired spinning me on merry go round.
The older you get the less people you can actually tolerate.
I can tolerate about 5 people right now, 3 are my children and even that’s iffy
*on death bed*
priest: any regrets my child?
*montage of every time i saw a large dog and didn’t try to ride it*
me: uhhhhh
my wife: we have to wear what we died in for eternity!?
st. peter: that’s right
me: [from the back end of our horse costume] what’d he say
Husband: Wouldn’t it be easier to buy a larger size jeans?
Me: (on roof) Just hold out my skinny jeans for me to jump into like we planned!