when I see a Facebook relationship status ‘it’s complicated’ I imagine love through wormholes over tens of thousands of years, alien biology
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The Accountant.
h/t: @KrangTNelson @Boogieknight
Officer- I’m giving you a ticket for your speed
Me- That’s heroin
Officer-…
Me- Want some?
Officer-…
Me- Oooh, shiny handcuffs
If the Get Out challenge was running straight at people and veering away last second, the Midsommar challenge is just taking your long term boyfriend to see Midsommar
If the interviewer doesn’t think it’s cool when you pull a quarter out of his ear, the job wasn’t good enough for you anyways.
[cat clinic]
DR. CAT: What seems to be the problem?
CAT: Me-ow
DR. CAT: You need to be more specific
Mom 1: My son loves gluten free chips.
Mom 2: Asher eats everything organic.
Me: My son had a chocolate donut and a booger for breakfast.
When I was a kid I thought that Olivia Newton-John was a three person band. Olivia, Newt, and John.
U know the 1960’s movie “The Birds” about an onslaught of thousands of flying creatures? That’s me when I open the Tupperware cabinet…
[alternate universe]
teacher: and that’s how you do your taxes
student: thank you. what a useful skill i have learned here today
The whispering voices in horror movies but they’re complaining about unfolded laundry.
me: I had my first crush on a girl when I was in the first grade.
my 7yo: wow that was a long time ago do you think she’s still alive?
Me as a kid: I’m bored.
What my parents heard: “I would like some manual labor please.”
A child is like a CD. You enjoy it for a while and then forget it in the car.
Waiting in the coffee drive-thru line impatiently watching the driver in front of me chatting with the barista and my 12 y/o sighs and says, “C’mon, lady, she’s not your therapist, move along.” Never get between a middle school girl and her Frappuccino.
My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard, but they stay for the intelligent discourse about Benghazi
angel: so this birth thing should probably be as simple as possible
god: yeah i was thinking we start with an army of tiny genetic ghost tadpoles that live in the balls
angel: ok first question why
god: wait i’m not finished
Being paranoid about your govt’s paranoia is a good sign.
If my memory gets any worse I’ll be able to plan my own surprise party
A recipe book of “traditional English meals” called ‘we’re getting the bland back together’
My therapist sure does pronounce “awesome” a lot like “narcissism”
[Interview]
“Do you have any previous experience dealing with animals?”
[flashback to my flatmate leaving toast crumbs in the butter]
..Yes.
Me: ugh. The radio these days is full of bad news. Burglary over there, stabbing over here. Just turn it off please
Arresting officer: no
I have never seen a construction crane being put in place. They just show up.
“I think this cereal has gone bad.” *me drunk, eating Meow Mix*
[Facebook Marketplace]
Me: Selling this guitar amp.
Guy: I will trade you another guitar amp for it.
Me: How does this make sense in your head?
If they stop texting back you need to assume they’ve died and move on. If you see them out just smile because you ain’t afraid of no ghost
Her: What are you thinking about right now?
Me: If I was an eel I’d have a little fish that lived in my mouth and I’d never need to floss
If I was a princess I’d wanna be rapunzel so I could get locked in a tower and get my hair pulled.
Me, flirting😏