When writing science fiction, always Google your made-up planet name; 9 times out of 10, it’s an existing yeast infection medication.
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Beware of girls like Princess Peach. She seems cool at first but she ends up in some other dude’s castle far too often to be a coincidence.
American government is of the people, by the people and for the people. Which begs the question: what is wrong with you people?
oh, internet, you didn’t even exist when this happened to me. every weekend.
I met my wife online. We’ve been married four years and have a girl, a troll and lovely twin bots.
Me: Guh! Say it. Don’t spray it
Firefighter: That’s not… that’s not how using a fire hose to save your burning home is supposed to work…
Sometimes I accidentally make eye contact with someone and it’s like “well I better just go with it” and I begin sprinting at them
[guy from the 50s arrives in a time machine]
“Who’s president?”
Barack Obama
“Braco? Sounds Mexican”
Nope
“Whew”
You might want to sit down
[having house guests]
Me: omg I need to CLEANNN
[30 minutes later]
Me: you know what if they don’t accept my house then they don’t accept ME
Judge: Guilty!
*bangs gavel*NINE MONTHS LATER
*gavel holding freaky gavel-human hybrid baby*
Judge: *tears welling up* ..he has your eyes
Curious George Turns Off Google Image Safe Search
You learn a lot about someone when you marry them. For example , I learned I should have married someone else.
If I saw Bigfoot I would simply take a high resolution and focused photo of him
Sometimes I deliberately forget to use dryer sheets so my husband can go to work with my panties stuck to his shirt.
The cashier told me to have a good holiday like my purchase of oven cleaner, cat treats, and hummus suggests anything else.
Inside of you are two wolves. Inside of me are twenty one insane weasels. We are not the same
Hogwarts – a magical school or a pig venereal disease? Inquiring minds wanna know
I am tired of being a part of a major historical event
therapists do NOT have all the answers. like sometimes a client will be telling me something really difficult and be like “what do I do????” and in my head I’m like oh man, i don’t know……you should really see a therapist about that
If the aliens turn hostile, McDonalds Sprite may be our last line of defense.
it’s sweet how my son likes to swing by and check on me when his rent is due
In 6th grade I had an ugly pimple on my nose that left a scar and I told my friend I got bitten by a spider…dude called me Batman because he didn’t know shit about comics
I hate when drinks say to shake well. Like we’re all just masters of shaking things
Took my 6 y/o daughter to a college football game and my dream of turning her into a fan quickly faded when she asked to go home in the first quarter because “we just watched this game on TV last week.”
Me: ahahah say it again
The robot I built because I have no friends: hamborgers
Me: lmfao it’s hamburgers, you idiot
The robot I built that no longer wants to be friends with me:
Me: HAMBORGER LMAO
Half the time when you booked The Cure, you got Placebo instead..
Just a friendly reminder!
Hate it when I can’t find my slippers so I have to stand upon the wings of my pet pterodactyl Benedict as he fetches me the morning paper
My new dentist called me back in to make another mold of my teeth. Needless to say he made a terrible 1st impression.
Here’s a sentence that has stuck with me for 22 years, from a doofy classmate’s story in 8th-grade English: “The werewolf puked and died.”
When customers come in 6 hours before closing