Once again I’ve been mistaken for a 50lb sack of flint corn.
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Inventor of raisins: “What do you like about grapes”
me: the juice part, the freshness
Inventor: right but what if they had neither
“Failure is how you grow.”
– my bathroom scale, picking the wrong motivational quote
My superpower is morphing my political views to align perfectly with whoever is driving my Uber.
My gf told me that I punched her in the face while I was sleeping last night. I apologized because I totally remember being awake for that.
god: men, do u want pockets?
men: sure
god: u got it dude!
men: thank u!!! ❤️
god: women, do u want pockets?
women: yes!
god: lmao no
women: ????
god: kangaroos, do u want pockets?
kangaroos: yes pls
god: ok done
kangaroos: [already putting their kids in there]
SCIENCE TEACHER: What’s the loudest noise in the world?
“Volcanic eruption”
“An explosion”
“An earthquake”ME: Trying to open snacks you don’t want to share
It’s Saturday night and I just saw a guy with a ponytail and tinted lenses. Somewhere, a tarantula is home alone
My dream is to become the first smart person to be interviewed by a newscaster live at a scene.
Don’t stand there judging me.
Have a seat. This could take awhile.
Me: *snarl* Sorry. Been dealing with a work deadline, a pandemic, full-time distant learning, & trying to make sure my kid’s sole understanding of current events isn’t constructed by random youtubers & internet memes
Person: So, does that mean you’re busy?
Me: *laughing*
Walked into WalMart and a small child pointed at me and said “what is that thing?”
I don’t know either, kid
Imagine a world without pizza.
No, no, stop crying this was just pretend I’M SORRY TRY AND CONTROL YOURSELF I’M SORRY
Customer care: Your call is important to us, please hold on.
Customer: *completes graduation* *gets a job* *gets married* *gets old* *dies*
I don’t mean to brag but I have the face of someone with a great personality
I’m not an alcoholic, alcoholics go to meetings. I’m a drunk, we go to parties.
Shout out to everyone who told me this isn’t really Elon. I guess the wedding is off.
“Oh hello, I didn’t see you there!” – Translation: I have failed to avoid you
Should the hole from my vaccination shot be beeping a day later?
Firefighter: We have reports of a large fire??
Starbucks employee:
Firefighter: *audible sigh* Can you direct me to the VENTI fire?
I forgot the word “vibrate” so I said I’d set my phone to purr.
“Honey, I’m pregnant”
“Are you kidding me?”
“That’s another way of saying it, I guess, yeah”
wife: Why didn’t you talk to me about renting a bouncy house?!
me [stops jumping]: You would have said no
Next time someone comes over to hold my newborn I’m going to ask them to unload the dishwasher and put the laundry away first
DATING TIP: Hold the door for your date. Rip the door off its hinges. Use the door as a weapon to fight off other men. Establish dominance.
Blind dates are the best because they can’t see me stealing all of the food from their plate
Tv: He is in cardiac arrest
My Kid: That’s just silly, how will they put handcuffs on his heart
Me: I’m starting to realize how you failed anatomy
I recently learned that German Chocolate Cake is made with coconuts. Not everyone likes coconuts. Not one person at the party we were at liked that cake I got. Especially not my wife, whose birthday we were celebrating.
[travels back in time to warn 12 year old me about playing video games too much] you become fat and lazy and-whoa Mortal Kombat 2 scoot over
I just spilled a bag of popcorn kernels…but, I’m sure you guys heard my wife yelling & already knew that.