Car wash vacuums can suck up old french fries, leaves, 57 cents, car keys, Ray-Bans, your first born but not that weird debris stuck in your cupholder.
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I bought 4 bottles of wine and I seriously underestimated the severity of this quarantine.
Not ALL my jumpsuits are for crime fighting. One is for leisure fighting.
using AI to expand this shot in Fast & Furious 6 and achieve the filmmakers true vision 😌🙏
girls please stop wearing Harley Davidson shirts if you don’t listen to his music
Imagine you get murdered and some girl skips your episode of forensic files because it’s boring.
That hospital class on parenting I took didn’t include enough wrestling tips.
“The 59th rule of Fight Club is, we cant park in the lot on Vermont anymore – The owner is being a jerk. Just find street parking. 60th…”
Everyone on twitter: (already terrified all of the time)
Mashable: [promoted tweet] This cute new robot can shudder and squirm through the underside of a closed door and inject heart-stopping drugs from ten feet away! 😍
[sylvester stallone hides behind something in a movie]
me to no one: they don’t call him sly for nothing
[first date]
Her: I like my steak rare
Him: *trying to impress* I’ll order for both of us. 2 panda fillets please.
Make porridge seem more glamorous by describing it as “Oat Cuisine”.
Yes, I sure did let my 3yo eat a popsicle at 7:53am so that I could drink my coffee in peace. It’s called self-care.
Any yard can be a graveyard if you put a body in it
Today, after my mom got vaccinated, she insisted on 8 gallons of pistachio ice cream. Who’s the kid now?
Me: No work tomorrow so I’m sleeping in.
Kids: LOL
Dog: LOL
Brain: LOL
Bladder: LOL
GEICO: customer service, how can we help?
ME: I’ve been in a car accident
GEICO: ok are you in a safe location?
ME: *looking around bank vault I crashed into* how did you know?
[police station]
“sir you get one phone call.”
[calls 911]
“hello 911 what’s your emergency?”
yeah a bunch of pricks are holding me hostage.
[high school reunion]
me: u remember me skipping math class to see u
ex: aww yeah
me: [gets out pile of papers] now do my taxes
If this paper cut is any indication of my pain threshold, then child birth would definitely kill me.
My lack of pants is nobody’s business.
Oh you’re a ceiling fan? Name 3 times I let you collect too much dust and should have cleaned you
Okay body wash, unless you’re caffeinated and drinkable, you can cool it with the “energizing” claims. You’re soap.
JUDGE: the charge is murder, how do you plead
VIDEO: not guilty
FAMILY OF RADIO STAR: this is bullshit
[on a date at butterfly conservatory] they serve the best wings here
At the beach I saw someone in regular clothes, no towel, no beach gear, sleeping face down in the sand. Wasn’t sure what I was looking at. “Do I call the cops? I don’t have any bars and it’s a long walk to the car. Oh good, she rolled over.”
Actual warning I saw in a pamphlet:
“You may be at risk for throat cancer if you have a throat or mouth.”
Oh shit….
* Finds what I’m looking for
* Can’t remember why I was looking
I’m just gonna give this to you…and you feel free to do whatever you like with it. Nooooo pressure…
*slides deodorant across the table*
My neighbors look so happy.
We can fix that.
every outdoor cat should be given a little cowboy hat and a gun