What if all the snakes on that plane were emotional support snakes?
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My husband claims I’m driving him to an early grave, which is clearly ridiculous because nobody has ever been early to anything I’ve driven them to.
I’m 32 never been married, no kids. Most people my age are married with kids. The older I get it is likely the man I marry will be a divorced dad. Satistically 80% of 2nd marriages with kids end in divorce. So what I’m saying is if you are looking for a 2nd ex wife hit me up.
It’s funny how Twitter dropped the egg avi and now people are using apps to smooth out their faces so much, they all look like eggs.
Facebook…because you need to get into a political argument with someone you haven’t seen since the sixth grade.
Hubs sent me this text:
There’s no wrong way to tell the person you love that their beautiful.Me: *they’re.
Goldfish 911: What’s ur emergency?
Goldfish: I forgot
Goldfish 911: Forgot what?
Goldfish: WHO IS THIS?
Goldfish 911: I DON’T KNOW
So apparently going to the medicine store’s manager with a pack of condoms asking them where the changing rooms are will get you banned from the medicine store.
*pulls away from kissing*
batman, is this why I’m your sidekick?
An ATM has surveillance footage of me feeding it Kraft Singles, so there’s that.
Please stop inviting me to exotic islands and hunting me for sport. It’s mean and it hurts my feelings
doctor: you want a note to get out of work?
me: please
doctor: [writing] you’re… fired…
I’m so old, when I type “stan”, ac thinks I mean a man’s name and capitalizes it
Don’t be fooled by what your kids will eat at someone else’s house.
Apparently just because I have the “mind of a child” I’m not allowed to sit on a Santa’s lap. Also it’s “illegal” to carry a brain around.
just once i’d like to lay in bed nude and drink a cup of tea without an art class trying to paint my portrait
an article: “young people”
me (hasn’t been young in a very long time): ah they mean me
Why I hate technology:
Most of my lightbulbs now have a longer life expectancy than me.
“…She is survived by one son , three porch lights and one ceiling fan bulb”
[First Date]
Her: I love Christmas.Me (trying to impress her): *Pretending I got a phone call* Sorry, it’s my boss, I need to take this. Yes? Oh, hello SANTA.
I’m digging this new iPhone 11 Pro. It has a separate camera for each one of my chins.
They say to do something that scares you everyday so I hosted an outdoor birthday party with 12 kids under the age of 8 while wearing a white t-shirt.
[At the coroners’ to identify a body]
Me: “Yep. That’s a body all right.”
Waitress: Is everything ok?
Me: WHAT HAVE YOU HEARD?
[In meeting]
Boss: any comments?
Me: I wish I was drunk right now.
Roses are red, violets are blue, vodka costs less than a dinner for two.
on our farm rn we have 16 regular ducks. and then we have reginald. reg is 4lbs of pure hatred in the approximate shape of a duck. he is the duck god of chaos. every night he refuses, with violence, to go inside his coop, despite loving it in there. i hate him but i respect him
Me: I have a new water bottle! I’m gonna get my 64 Oz a day now, bay-bee!
Also me: ᴀʟʟ ᴏꜰ ᴍʏ ʟɪꜰᴇ ɪꜱ ᴘᴇᴇ
Not to brag, but Panera said I’m worth a treat so it’s good to know I’d go for at least $2 on the Panera black market.
A world war 2 bunker with fake air vent
*sends ex’s coordinates to wayward rocket*
I’m thinking of taking my Twitter down, and @all_tweet_calls too. I probably can’t, I’m probably addicted, and I know it’s a running joke that people will say they’re deactivating & then come back.
But the haters are really getting to me.
1/