marriage is so goth. it’s like “I’m in this until DEATH” jfc dude settle down
You Might Also Like
My wife just confessed that for her entire childhood she thought Colonel Sanders’ bow tie was his whole body and now I can’t stop seeing a tiny stick body every time I look at him.
stay together for the future spouses of your kids, having two sets of in-laws is sadistic stuff
“Because I got high” is actually a song about pilots, who go to high altitudes in their planes every day, and have good reason for not doing all those things in the song.
The correct response to the question “Are you Ticklish?” Is letting the person know you have a firearm
Head Chef: You’re fired.
Me: Is it because when I grate cheese-
Head Chef: Yes it’s because you call it shreddie cheddie.
A guy on Tinder just asked if I wanted to go help him catch a raccoon so I guess I’m engaged now.
I was laughing at these nerds for wearing their backpack over two shoulders instead of one, and they got so mad they jumped out of the plane
My boss want to sign us up for a 401k. No way I’m running that far.
SHOW ME A PHOTO OF YOUR INFANT I WILL SHOW YOU 20 OF MY CAT
Remember that decades long January? We didn’t know how good we had it.
I enjoy a glass of wine each night for its health benefits.
The other glasses are for my witty comebacks and flawless dance moves…
Vicodin: For when you absolutely have to apple scissors badger trampoline Connie seven accept substitute no steak fries
Billion Dollar Idea:
Add glitter to air bags to lighten the mood after accidents.
I would never feed you to the wolves.
You’re too toxic and I like dogs.
awkward
I’d rather lose the Super Bowl than have Gatorade poured on me.
[calling front desk]
ME: Hey can y’all wash these sheets for me
CONCIERGE: Uh oh something naughty?
ME: [thinking about how I made myself into a blanket burrito with real beans] yah
I highly recommend anything.
– Stoners.
Watching married couples argue in Bed Bath & Beyond is my Game of Thrones.
[trapped on a patch of ice that’s melting in the Arctic ocean]
[rubs Genie bottle]
“can you hook me up with some wifi?”
if you give a mouse a cookie, he’s going to ask you for a glass of milk.
don’t give it to him.
give him another cookie.
now he’s super thirsty.
he’ll do anything for that milk.
anything.
Me, 1st day as a geographer: ice is lonely water
Senior geographer: what
M: and rain is happy water
S: no
M: fog is ghost water
S: pls stop
‘Here Comes Honey Boo Boo’ is the reason I always donate money to Planned Parenthood.
I bet they all call me paranoid behind my back?!
“He is usually nice and fills my dish, but this morning he stepped on my tail and I made an alarmed high pitched noise.”
-yelp review
*watching Only Murders In The Building*
Me: “Where are all the crows?”
Me: what is my final challenge
*dragon appears*
Me: oh no
Dragon: spell necessary
Me: OH NO
I changed my phone ringtone to the doorbell sound bc I don’t answer that either.
This Halloween, I’m going as the one thing more unsettling than a serial killer: someone interested in serial killers