I’ve seen the bass pro shop guy naked more than I have myself.
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McDonald’s Drive thru: Sorry Drive Thru is closed. You can come inside if you want.
Me: Um
McDonald’s: We’re having some technical difficulties and are overwhelmed right now and decided to shut it down.And that’s how I learned about the importance of self care from McDonald’s.
My ancestors didn’t walk out of the jungle, cross continents, interbreed with at least two other types of hominids, survive wars and plagues and cross an ocean for me to have to eat an untoasted bagel.
me: [offering joint] wanna hit
giraffe:
me: nvm ur already high lol
[later]
scientist: we’ve never seen a giraffe eat a human before
Please stay on the line. Your call is important to us. We think we might be in love with your call. We made your call a mix tape.
[at a funeral]
*approaches the weeping widow and embraces her*
*whispers* “So you’re single now, right?
I want to start dating again so I have someone else to blame for any problems.
It appears that children’s bladders get smaller as is gets darker outside.
This scientific hypothesis has been proven by my 7 year old coming out of the bedroom to pee five times in the last hour.
i bet when fish see it’s raining they’re like “oh cool a refill”
My kid’s latest report card looks like someone with a stutter is trying to swear.
Why are so many men suddenly curious who my father is right in the middle of our lovemaking?
They say that blondes are dumb, but I’ve gotten a brunette to marry me too.
Since I had to google “exercise” to make sure I spelled it right, I think it’s safe to say I have no idea what to do at the gym.
Catch feelings? I’d rather catch multiple bricks to the face. A house. Drop a house on me.
Tinder: Meet people within a few miles
Twitter: Meet people within a few thousand miles
What the hell happened in there??
*hides recorder in box*
*puts box in safe*
*locks safe*
*digs 50-foot hole*
*throws safe in*
*covers hole*
[5 minutes later]
9yo: *playing recorder*
A legal holiday weekend implies the existence of an illegal holiday weekend
My husband kidnapped me for a romantic weekend away. Now I’m just lying here wondering when I’m getting out of the trunk.
11-year-old: I can’t wait until it’s too cold outside for spiders.
Me: That just means they’ll come inside.
11: No furnace this year.
*watching my hamster gnaw on his tiny broadsword*
you are a disgrace to your lineage and bring great shame upon this house
Ever tried to pinch a dried yogurt smear off your black leggings and watched in horror as a cloud of dust floated off of them?
Me either. That’d be gross.
Give it to me straight
“I’d really like to have sex with you-”
Now give it to me gay
“-r boyfriend.”
The Golden Girls is the most relatable TV show for a millenial, as I too will be renting with several roommates until I’m 80
Life was once a string of awkward silences but then I got a kazoo
at my high school reunion everyone kept asking where my date was so I finally told them my dog ate him. no one laughed
You’re a cunt. Maybe that’s why you’re alone.
Rose: [in Titanic] I’ll never let go, Jack
Jack: 🥶
Elsa from Frozen: lol know what would be funny right now
date: what do you do?
me: i’m a filmmaker.
date: oh what’s that like?
me: [shrugs] i inhale a lot of plastic fumes.
driving in the car and my girlfriend leaned over and said “where does an owl get dinner? pizza hoot” and then continued on with her business as if nothing had happened
Me: Don’t forget…measure twice, cut once
Surgeon, to nurse: Why is he awake?