Say what you want about Korn, but they really cornered the incorrectly spelled vegetable band name market.
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My younger daughter has been in her bedroom looking at screens the last three years and I have forgotten her first name.
there are 2 kinds of people – those who tap their beer can before they drink, and those who have not yet been stung in the mouth by a wasp
Just got a job opening demanding 13-18 yrs of experience in iOS development.
Do they realize that the platform itself is 8 years old?
This is funnier than it should be. 😂
The incontinent optimist sees the bladder as half empty.
I bring our baby to the bar so I can throw her at people and slurp down their cocktails while they’re trying to catch her.
I don’t want to alarm anyone, but my doctor says I have an irreversible terminal condition called aging.
My other half came home early and caught me in bed with an optical illusion. I told her it’s not what it looks like.
“Your meal is being prepared and should be delivered in 30-45 minutes”
Perfect. Just enough time to eat a sleeve of Oreos.
i love it when my pets sigh like what ails you my little unemployed freeloader
SCIENTIST: Let’s name this spider Long Legs, for its long legs
SCIENTIST 2: Hmm not kinky enough
It only takes a few hours on a road trip for me to regret bringing more humans with me.
August 8
HIM: Are you mad at me?
ME: No.
HIM: Well you’re playing Sims again and removed the ladder to the pool while an avatar that looks remarkably like me drowns.
ME: So? That’s how you play The Sims.
You want real 2020 energy? I went to the woods to avoid COVID and now helicopters are flying over my cabin because a killer is on the loose
I giveth, and I taketh away. Why? Because I recycleth.
Wife: Don’t forget we have plans tonight.
Me: I thought we were going to watch the game?
Wife: We? Do you have a mouse in your pocket?
Whispers to the mouse in my pocket: Maybe you should take the jersey off and put on your casual outfit…
Therapist: ‘Strange. Weird. Odd.’
Me: ‘Am I paying for this?’
Fun thing to do: Before leaving someone’s house, ask them if you can take a roll of toilet paper “to go”
texting my crush “hey infant” instead of baby so they know i’m smart and regularly use my thesaurus
“LINES OF COKE” is the only acceptable answer to yell from the bathroom when someone asks you a stupid question like what are you doing in there
Watching horror movies has convinced me that answering a phone never ends well for anyone.
I’m from Texas, where “Let me call you right back” means enjoy the rest of your day.
I have a clear conscience until a police car pulls behind me. Then I’m like “OH GOD WHAT IF I MURDERED SOMEONE DID I MURDER SOMEONE”
Pro Tip: If you stand outside a restaurant wearing a red jacket, people will literally just give you their car.
Me: I’m so tired. Can’t wait to go to sleep.
Body: Hold up there. Need to test nerve endings. Here’s a random shooting pain in your hand.
Me: No.
Brain: Here’s that weird jerking thing when you start to fall asleep!!
Me: Please stop.
Body: Itchy back!
Son: Dad, I’m gay. Do you still love me?
Me: Ask your mother
You think your day was bad? I just had a 15 minute long argument with a couch cushion.
Honestly, I’m a woman with a dog and an air fryer, so my topic of conversation is pretty limited
me: time for sleep 🙂
my brain: WHAT IS THE NOG IN EGG NOG??