Friend: Onamatopoeias make me violent.
Me: Gulp.
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Everyone wants to be a Viking until you set them out to sea on a boat that’s on fire.
After getting married, my wife used to joke that she will now have sex with only one person for the rest of her life.
Turns out she was talking about her boyfriend.
*stood on Eiffel tower watching a beautiful sunset*
Sara?
*Gets down on one knee*
*audible gasp*
“Yes?”
Help my knee is made of magnets
[joyriding in stolen Lamborghini]
HER: No way this thing does 150.
ME: Only one way to find out…
[pulls over & checks wikipedia]
“weighing in at 129 lbs, here to throw down in a gown, to slay with a bouquet-”
(Bride walks down the aisle, upset I mentioned her weight)
Evelyn says Betty’s Daughter is a lesbian but I’ve never noticed an accent.
I’m like a potato because I’m:
-not special, but I’m usually likeable
-full of carbs
-not always good for you
-really white under this outer layer
-round
-smashable
-more interesting when I’m salty
-tasty if slathered in butter
After Sting retires he should change his name to Stung why are you still reading this
What do you call a man who does all the cooking, cleaning and washing without complaint?
Single.
“He died doing what he loved…”
I’m not dead
“Interrupting my jokes”
Flirting tip.
Ask a woman if she’s pregnant. When she says she’s not, ask her if she wants to be.
Trust me, I’m a guy from Twitter.
Instacart: We are out of soap, would you like this substitute item?
Energy bar
A clean headbutting is the most elegant way to win an argument.
Beyonce is a great actress because there is no way she has the time or energy to have the kind of sex she sings about.
Go to bed barstool. You’re drunk
[taking out wet laundry]
me: finally everything’s clean!
that one wet sock: where’s the shittiest bit of floor I can land on?
if u die of a potassium induced stroke cuz you ate too much fruit, bitch that’s called a bananeurysm
They really taught us calculus and then left us to fend for ourselves when it comes to taxes and putting the duvet cover back on
Saw a grown man riding down the street on a BMX.
I yelled what does BMX stand for?
He replied “DUI”.
I have milk and eggs for breakfast, I just have them in the form of a cookie
Me: I don’t appreciate being unexpectedly hit with goose liver.
Waiter: I’m sorry for throwing you a surprise pâté.
Are you watching Point Break or The Fast and the Furious?
No one is more ambitious than a mom with a single day off.
This painting is titled ‘Mondays? Amirite?’
As it turns out, if you’re with a group of people, it’s “Christmas caroling.” If you do it alone it’s “creating a public nuisance.”
Indian Brothers & Sisters: You know all those awful things Columbus did to the Native Americans? Just remember…HE WAS LOOKING FOR US
I followed you because you’re hot
-Mosquitoes
Oh, you’re about to earn your 3rd master’s degree? I’m still working on spelling “bananas” without singing “Hollaback Girl” in my head.
*security rushes to the department store fitting room to break up a fight but just finds me trying to squeeze into a pair of jeans.