I wish I were a British fighter pilot.
Those dudes are Royal AF.
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[1st day as police officer]
PARTNER: THAT CAR FLEW BY DOING 126 MPH! LET’S ROLL!
ME: Um, ok, but I literally JUST got this ice cream cone.
[garage sale]
ME: can I leave my children as collateral
LADY: you haven’t bought anything
Went for a run last night and saw one of my neighbors already has his Christmas lights up
All I could think was, why the hell am I running rn?!
the girl from the ring starts crawling out of the tv, stops halfway, looks around my room, and crawls back into the tv
Wait, Omicron isn’t the latest crypto currency?
I love how once you hit 30 every conversation can be turned into a competition for how little effort was put into pulling a muscle.
My favorite part of the Passover story is when Moses challenges Pharaoh to a non violent debate and then frees the Jews by defeating him in the marketplace of ideas.
my dog: (feeling anxious) i will need to chew some shoes about this
COWORKER: how old is our boss?
ME: cut him in half & count the rings
CW: doesn’t that only work on trees?
ME: *over chainsaw noises* HE’S 38
There are two types of people in this world:
1)People who tried to move an object with their mind at least once
2)Liars
Thought I’d be trendy and try one of these ‘alternative milks’.
I don’t know what a magnesia is, but it made my Cocoa Puffs taste horrible…
Of course you can be anything you wanna be. That’s how delusions work.
*knock knock*
“Sir, this is the police, open the door immediately”
“But I’m having a poo”
“We know sir, the phone box has glass sides”
Finally found a house! We couldn’t afford it and it wasn’t for sale, but we just murdered the owners and took it anyway. Happy Columbus Day!
i got sudden, inexplicable ear pain. my friend woke up with sudden, inexplicable eye pain. if any of you start having sudden, inexplicable mouth pain, lmk. i think we are supposed to be sold as a box set.
🙉🙈🙊
Welp, I just ran my car off the road. I was doing the “We Will Rock You” beat with my hands and forgot I don’t have a self-driving car
My teen said “if you don’t like the way I’m doing the dishes, then do them yourself,” and lived to tell the tale.
Hot pockets… cook on high for 1 minute, let cool for 27 years!
my cornflakes bring all the boys to my yard
& theyre like
this cereals hard
damn right
my cereals hard
u should add milk
so its not so sharp
I hate it when you’re about to sacrifice a baby, and you notice one of the other satanists is wearing the same robes.
My oldest boy struggled with the lighter when shooting fireworks, but my 9 year old mastered it quickly, I don’t know whether to be proud or concerned.
I like long walks away from everyone
Apollo: everyone in favour of hunting the cyclopes, say aye
[robbing a bank]
Bank teller: *slides over money* here you go
Me: *slides it back* can I make a deposit
got my wisdom teeth removed.
surgeon just came to my house and stole my college degree, has this happened to anyone else
They say there’s no such thing as a free lunch, but I’m at Applebee’s & have a dead mouse in my pocket that says otherwise.
[date]
ME: do you have kids or pets?
HER: a son and a cat
ME: what are their names?
HER: John & Batman
ME: nice! my son is also named Batman
Me: do you think he called himself T.S. Eliot so nobody would notice that T. Eliot is toilet backwards?
Librarian: stop talking
Police: can you describe the woman who stabbed you
Male author: Lithe, spirited, and outgoing. She was a raw sexual force and she knew it. She was a dandelion fluff on a summer day, gone in an instant, leaving you with nothing but the memory of her smell
Police:
Do you scroll through Netflix to find a good show for your dog to watch when you leave the house or are you normal?