People r afraid of boogers. I bet u could rob a bank with a booger! Folks in the bank would back up! Police would be puzzled tho: A Bogger?!
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me before I type out affect or effect
Dude 1: “Hey bro?”
Dude 2: “Yeah bro?”
Dude 1: “Can you hand me that pamphlet?”
Dude 2: “Brochure”
FRIEND: did you hear about the Salvation Army volunteer who is on strike?
ME: doesn’t ring a bell
Not fat, but not super thin either. I’m more like…what’s the word? Oh, I know. Terrifying.
*purges outlook inbox
weigh me now
I saw a lawn sign that just said “DOGS 2020” and I would like to change my vote please.
Me: bathe me in the dust of those I have devoured
Friend: are you talking to your Cheetos
*first date*
Him: So, I’m a youth minister.
Me: Oh, cool. *googling cast of the bible* I really like…Lucifer.
doctor: I have bad news and ambiguous news
me: what’s the ambiguous news?
doctor: one of us is dying
Instant pancake mix box: just add water
Me: sounds easy
Oh no, too thick [adds more water]
Oh no, too runny [adds more mix]
.
.
.
*Three hours later* a lovely breakfast of 137 pancakes
Coming soon to Fox and Friends: a crime fighting duo useless at stopping mass shootings. They are THOUGHTS AND PRAYERS, Wednesdays at 9 pm.
Dads love inspecting a small injury like a splinter and saying “looks like we’ll have to amputate”.
The Hobbit 4:
Bilbo’s relatives auction off his stuff
Bilbo puts on his ring
One by one, his relatives die under mysterious circumstances
Me: Do that thing I like.
Him: *gives me the good allergy pills*
“How do you like your tea? Milk, sugar, eels?”
“Eels?”
“Okay, eels.” I say, unscrewing the cap on a carton of highly agitated eels.
Sometimes I think we are capable of great things as a species, but then I notice how many people can’t put their shopping cart away.
A bridesmaid, but it’s just someone to hold the bottom half of my CVS receipt.
I could never join the army because I’d never be able to figure out what time it is.
Whoever named He-Man was doing the very least
Ask someone if they’ll watch your bag for you but never actually leave just sit there and watch your bag together with your new friend.
The first time I tried to repair one of my kids toys, I thought it was important that they stand back a bit, and verily, I say unto you, it was from there that they watched me superglue the skylander to my hand.
imagine bumping into someone on the street and all the money in ur checking account flies out of ur body and litters the ground disappearing after mere seconds never to return. this is what life is like for sonic the hedgehog every day
Scientist: a comet is headed for earth, we need a plan
Me: howabout a big funnel
S: why would that help
M: u know, to like, guide it here
Judge: The jury finds the defendant guilty.
Me: Nooooooooo.
Judge: Again, you’re the plaintiff.
Me: Haha. Oh yeah.
My parents waited way too long to tell me about Santa and the Easter Bunny. I was so mad I got in my car & drove away.
If you’re looking for someone to mute the National Geographics channel and narrate the animals thoughts, look no further.
Cop: raise your hands
Me: ok, but if you looked down you’d see the same thing
C: ma’am?
M: they’re right there
C: how high are you?
M: yes
Startup idea: a gym named Resolution that runs for the 1st month of the year, collects subscription fee, then converts to a bar named Regret
It’s almost like none of my friends and family want to hear about the healthy lifestyle I adopted three days ago.
I child proofed my entire house…
and they still got in