Please do it!
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(Trying to scream over a construction worker’s jackhammer) YOU GUYS MAKIN A BUILDING?
Long story short; they ended up having sex, but will eventually despise each other.
*pretends to get an urgent text so I can turn around after I notice I’m walking in the wrong direction*
*tries to flirt*
*twirls hair in fingers*
*fingers get caught in giant knot*
*learns to live using only one arm*
I wrote ‘I loathe ‘ and ac finished it with ‘people’. I’m gonna marry my phone.
Having grown up Catholic, anytime someone says “May The Force be with you” I always want to respond “And also with you”
Luke, I am your father. Man you should see your face right now. It’s all like waaaaaat no way.
They call it “childbirth” lest we get confused and give birth to a full grown adult.
british people are always saying fucked up shit like “i grew up in Poppington Square but moved to King’s Jangly before settling in Elephant-Upon-Strighton.”
9: [who only had 97 snacks today] Are we ever gonna eat dinner?
dads on road-trips be like
Me: oh the usual- just shedding some skin cells and still fascinated with champagne bubbles and tree bark.
Friend: why can’t you ever just say “fine thanks”?
The biggest myth about travel is “packing light” – don’t bother! Light is available from the sun and artificial sources worldwide.
[first day as a spy]
Wife: what’s your bosses name?
Me: I can’t tell you that
Wife: why?
Me: because I don’t remember, Linda
In New England, we only have two seasons:
1) Ice cream will melt if you leave it in the car
2) Ice cream is fine if you leave it in the car
At the park yesterday my 4yr old was talking to one of the dads, being all charming and cute, complimenting his tattoos. Then he started telling him about mommy’s tattoos and pointing me out. Good to know I’ve got a good wingman if I ever need one.
hello. i am the “friend” everyone has been asking questions for online. it has been a very rough three years but im starting to feel better. thanks for all your advice.
Um … Hot Wings please
I’ve already broken all my resolutions and like 4 commandments.
You haven’t seen rage until you’ve seen a group of women waiting for a yoga instructor who no-shows.
I can’t come into work. I opened a cursed sarcophagus and now I gotta put a pharaoh’s soul to rest. I DUNNO, TAD, I’LL PROBABLY BE IN MONDAY
I’ve spent three hours investigating this chicken and I still can’t find his nuggets.
Him: Congrats on the new baby. Boy or girl?
Me: Girl.
H: And what did you name her?
M: Well we were both huge fans of Elvis Costello so we named her after his best-known song.
H: Oh! Alison? Or Veronica?
M: What? No. Her name is “Watching the Detectives.”
Why is mild cheddar even a thing? Who are these people who can’t handle sharp cheddar & why are they allowed to influence the cheese market?
*slowly releases air from a balloon during your wedding vows*
All my passwords are protected … by my poor memory.
Please continue finishing your text in the crosswalk, Mr. Pedestrian. It’s not like I’m driving a giant metal instrument of death.
Apparently it’s ‘inappropriate’ to show up at your therapist’s home to swim in her new pool even though your ‘boundary issues’ paid for it.