Son: Mom loves me the most.
Daughter: No, she loves me most.
Me: Kids, please stop. I really don’t like either one of you.
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*train conductor after 15 minutes not moving* ladies and gentlemen you wouldn’t believe the amount of buttons im looking at right now
I dream of living in a world where men are judged not by the color of their skin, but by the contents of their iPod.
Sometimes I feel like I’m the only one who’s not on the keto diet and that makes me so happy.
Pandas are proof that if you have a cute enough outfit no one will call you fat.
Parenting is a lot of shouting things like: IF YOU GET YOURSELF STUCK IN A BOX, YOU’RE NOT ALLOWED TO MOVE UNTIL I GET A PICTURE!
[Office]
*Dolphin accidentally dials fax numberFax:EEphkEekakischchEEek
Dolphin:Well, I don’t normally do this. But yes I’m free tonight
hey can i get an ETA on that this too shall pass?
Therapist: So why are you guys here?
Me: I feel like we are having communication problems.
Him: This is our first date?
Doctor: Would you like a local anesthetic?
Me: No, I’d prefer one from out of town.
I have a coworker who clears her throat every 30 seconds…. each day I ask myself… is this the day I’m going to prison for murder?
If I don’t stumble across a dead body soon, I’m going to quit jogging all together
“I’m having a public meltdown!!” – A Snowman, maybe.
[first date]
Him: I want to marry someone who knows what commitment is.
Me: (trying to impress) I haven’t put my phone down in 5 years.
Boss: What are you doing here on a Saturday??
Me (eating leftovers from fridge): …reports.
When people ask me about my hobbies, I tell them I’m into birdwatching, photography and meeting new people.
It sounds better than stalking.
Her: I ran across a YouTube video called “Why You Will Marry the Wrong Person.”
Me: Did you watch it?
Her: No, it was 22 minutes long. I figure I’ll just take my chances.
“Say it!”
“No!”
“Say it, Hans.”
“My name’s not Hans!”
“I WILL drop you.”
“Fine, okay, you win!”
“I need to hear you say it.”
“Die Hard is a Christmas movie!”
ME: Do you believe in ghosts?
WIFE: Yes.
ME: A ghost just spent $600 on a new home surround sound system.
Me: My heartburn is out of control
Dr: Are you still taking your meds
Me: Yes I take them every morning with my 1st pot of coffee
Dr: (exhaling loudly)
If you ever think you can solve a parenting problem by doing the opposite of what didn’t work last time the universe will just be like lol nice try dummy
I’d like to be so rich I forgot what country I left my private jet at after a crazy weekend
Me: I’ve never played football but I have been clotheslined by a telephone cord.
My kids: What’s a telephone cord?
I don’t call myself pesky for nothing
Optimus Prime implies the existence of Optimus Fresh, and for a nominal monthly fee, Optimus Audible.
You’ll sleep when you’re dead?…that’s adorable. Well, I’ll lose weight when I’m dead, so pass the doughnuts.
I can never remember. Is it stalactite or stalagmite that’s the bad one?
I’m keeping an eye on the cult headquarters, call that compound interest
In England, all swans legally belong to the queen.
Geez, I always pictured her as a cat lady.
Me: So many of my days have become an endless stream of snack-time, nap-time, tantrum-time, screen-time, bath-time, whining, and a lot of incoherent mumbling in between.
Them: I remember those days! How old are your kids?
Me: Kids?
How many mission impossible movies must there be before they admit that the missions are actually kinda doable?