WHY DO SWEDISH SHIPS HAVE BARCODES PRINTED ON THE SIDE?
SO YOU CAN SCAN-DA-NAVY-IN
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A political analyst said we can defeat ISIS by “crippling them financially” so maybe we can sneak into Syria and build them a Whole Foods.
A woman just told me I should leave twitter if I don’t have anything sensible to say.
She’s obviously a newbie.
6: I want to grow my hair longer.
Me: Oka—
6: So I can bite it.
Me:
me: *hiding from kidnapper*
kidnapper: *sneezes*
me: BLESS YOU!
Then it should stop looking so damn comfortable
When the executioner asks me what my final words are I’m just going to start filibustering.
Your kid says “don’t worry I take care of it” but you don’t know what “it” is.
HEADS UP: if I can’t get around you on the sidewalk, I join your family
[last day at job]
“You’ve made my life a misery, I hate you all”
[remembers my car is in the garage and I need a lift]
“Not you tho Phil”
I didn’t really mind the voices in my head until one of them started their own podcast
me: *easily carrying 20 grocery bags* hi 😉
her: are those empty
Grandma’s funeral ft. Pitbull
My dating profile just says, “High risk, high reward”.
[3am]
me: *sleeping*
brain: omg you’re late for work!
me: oh shit *jumps out of bed*
brain: lmao you’re so gullible
SON: What’s a sex tape?
ME: Er well when er a man & a woman have er intercourse they
S: No
M: No?
S: Dad. I know what sex is. What’s a tape?
Teacher: You have one pie, there are four people who want pie, what percentage of the pie would you get?
Me: 100%
girlfriend: at my house we call pop soda
me: weird but ok
her dad: *opens door* hello
me: hello soda
Should I buy a pizza? Heads I do, tales I ignore the coin.
Me: haha should I get out and push
Everyone on The Submarine: YES
The neighbor’s wind chimes sound like they might disappear in a horrible accident.
I just watched Grease and it makes me sad how kids today are too lazy to buy matching leather jackets and smoke cigarettes.
A little discriminatory towards Jesus.
As a new homeowner, I was excited to learn how to do carpentry, plumbing and electrical work. And now that I’ve destroyed it, does anyone want to buy a house?
my husband has been taking sailing lessons and instead of putting it on our calendar like a normal person he prefers to stand up abruptly, stare out the window, and proclaim “I must go to the sea!”
[alternate universe where vegetables enforce the law]
person: *sees a robbery* I’m calling the crops
Yes, autocorrect, I wanted to ask if she was all tight. Thank you. Now I know.
13: can I play video games?
ME: yep
WIFE: nope
ME: absolutely not go think about what you’ve done don’t look at me in that tone of voice
Zoom Staff Meeting
Boss: Everyone staying fit?
Bob: I have a home gym!
Carol: I have Zoom Cross Fit sessions.
Me: I have a vigorous moisturizing routine.
I just found out that all the different colors in Fruit Loops are the same flavor, and now I don’t know what’s real anymore
A college girl sends a text to her BF who doesn’t respond “Could this night get any worse?” unaware that an alien fleet approaches earth