Sure sex is great but have you pulled a sticker off something in one go?
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Me: [talking out loud while I write in my diary] today was ok, I just wish I could have eaten more breadsticks
Waiter: *sighs* sir would you like more breadsticks
Hey guys, can so cleanse your timeline with a doggy trying to secretly steal its chewy from its sibling?
Thank you.
Credit: Imgur/bonjouretatsunis1776
*In fancy restaurant*
Waiter: can I recommend something off the specials board?
Me: I’d prefer a plate, tbh
Maybe the wolf from The Neverending Story still has nightmares about me, too.
Dating tip: Photoshop yourself into some of her selfies. Women love guys who are good with computers.
I put a complaint box in the break room… everyone thinks HR put it there… now I know all the crap people are saying about me…
Boss to our group: “Let’s talk about what inspires you. Mike, you go first.”
Me: *Goes home*
3yo wipes off the air kisses that I blow to her from across the room, which is some next level shade.
My mom’s favorite part of my birthday is describing my birth in detail to an 18 year old waitress who is just there to get our drink order.
if i ever go missing please don’t use that photo of me holding a sign that says “if i ever go missing don’t look for me.” thanks
“No pain, no gain!” I scream at myself while bending over to cut my toenails
I think we’ve officially regressed back to medieval peasants. All we do is bake bread, revolt, and avoid plagues
*watching my wife’s bra moving up and down on the floor by itself*
ME: Hon, wtf?
HER: push up bra
I deserve a reward for backing out of my driveway without hitting one blade of grass, a sprinkler head, or a small tree.
Calling giving something up Lent makes perfect sense because most of the things I’ve lent over the years have never come back.
Captcha: Click on every photo of a real tunnel
Wile E Coyote: oh no
[ER]
Doctor: How did you sprain your ankle?Me: I rolled it during a marathon.
Doctor: That’s really impressive.
Husband: She tripped trying to beat a family to a food truck
I received a sibling discount when kid number two got braces today. Kid two said I should give her a cut since she “saved” me $200. I told her she actually cost me $5,000. She said, “Yeah, but not $5,200
If you’re ever wondering if you and your spouse are on the same page fold a large blanket together. You’ll have your answer quickly.
[at a fire sale]
Me: one fire, please
I got you a bath bomb to relax. It’s a toaster
This is the coolest video you will see today.
DAD: you need to look out for people
ME: yes we’re all in this together
[thump thump]
ME [slams on brakes] omg what was that?!
DAD: as I was saying
My 89 year old mom asked if I was on that “Tic-tac-toe” site.
When you’re feeling nice so you stop and get a couple dozen donuts for your crew. But then you gotta leave em in your car until the gravy sucking ingrate non reciprocating 1st shift crew goes home so your crew can actually eat them.
#rubbishjokes
I don’t like Russian dolls.They are so full of themselves.
it’s ok earthquake, i’m only a 4.8 in new york too
Twitter is like Words With Sociopaths.
Why do people say “meteoric rise”? You know, meteors…those space rocks that famously don’t go up?
I wish my husband was as concerned with “preheating” me as he is with the oven…