VENTRILOQUIST: {getting waterboarded}
PUPPET: Stop you’re killing him!
CIA AGENT: Get me more water!
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[gym]
me: please wipe that down when you’re done
guy at urinal: what
dinosaur: omg a meteor
tyrannosaurus clark kent: *trying really hard to remove his glasses with his stupid little arms*
I used to think Calculus was confusing, then I read your last tweet.
If you fill your girlfriend’s hair dryer with talcum powder & glitter you end up with an angry ex-girlfriend who looks like a sparkly ghost.
Lois Lane survived until she was, like, 30, without Superman. Then she starts falling off buildings practically once a week.
I think Superman was pushing her.
BOSS: I need to see you in my office
ME: *I begrudgingly take off my invisibility cloak* oh alright
Fitness guru just tweeted “remember to breathe” and it was pure luck that I got the message in time.
Finding Nemo 3:
Nemo’s mom isn’t dead.
Nemo’s dad kidnapped Nemo to avoid a custody dispute.
Nemo’s mom finds them.
It’s a revenge tale.
All sex is safe sex if you keep your bright orange reflective vest on.
[During sex]
Her: That fan of yours is loud and distracting
Me: It helps me in bed
Fan: *clapping approvingly* Yeah bro WORK THOSE HIPS
Parenting styles often relax as you have more kids. For example my 1st born ate only all-natural, organic food. My 2nd eats broken glass.
I put my pants on like everybody else: in constant fear that my button will surrender to the intense pressure it’s under.
95% of parenting is using your sock as a mop.
In Canada, street racing is just people competing to see who can dig their car out of the snow first.
Me: hey squirrel, dnt steal d pigeon’s food, the eggs are about to hatch
S: u stole a cake frm ur roomate
Me:
Me: here, take the eggs too
✌️
“Thats an exercise in futility” OK great so Im exercising
Imagine kissing a frog and it turns into a Prince. Like, great, now I gotta go find another sexy frog
8 year old said “Don’t take life too seriously everything finds a way” then I freaked out because I didn’t know there was a kid in my apartment
I think the hot dog eating competition should award me extra points for not blinking during the event.
[whispering to coworker who liked my status about having to put my dog down but never commented] so you like dead dogs do ya meghan?
date: I wrote a book on lions
me: *mouthful of pasta* wouldn’t paper have been easier?
you can’t piss me off. you’re not the doorknob i keep getting my clothes caught on.
My kids are really competing for least favorite today.
*robs neighbor’s chicken coop*
*serves poached eggs*
Oh, your pet loves you more than anyone else? No shit, if you controlled when I ate I’d be obsessed with you too.
People need to stop with the crime, some of us don’t want to do jury duty because you can’t act right.
Waiter, Waiter, my date spilled her water.
No problem, I’ll get you another one.
Thanks, but make sure she likes football.
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
Relationship Status:
My dog was just licking my ear.
I didn’t stop her.