Googling “Can computer problems be caused by too many boogers in the keyboard?”
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Never carry too many grudges at once, make a few trips so you don’t throw your back out.
Would you like to learn about the Mormon Church?
“No thanks.”
Don’t judge too quickly. We have a lot of sects…
“WHERE DO I SIGN UP?”
Of course I’m desirable, I have many snacks hidden about my person, I’m a veritable buffet!
the way this pissed me off… 😭
Dating life- Finds rose petals on the ground when I wake up
Married life- Finds my husband’s toenails on the ground when I wake up
*Wandering the city*
Crap I have no idea where I’m at.
*Stops in a bar and gets drunk*
Okay NOW I recognize these buildings
Little Red Riding Hood is my favorite story about an idiot who can’t tell the difference between a human and a wolf.
In alcohol’s defense, i’ve done some pretty dumb shit while completely sober too.
Judge: So, you maintain that he took advantage of you?
Her: Yes Your Honor!
Judge: When did you realize this?
Her: When his check bounced
“If someone wanted to murder you, a night light wouldn’t stop them”
I will never lie to my future children.
Perks of dating me : I’m too lazy to cheat on you
any last words?
I don’t mean to brag, but I’m pretty sure based on the amount of stuffed animal surgery I’ve done, I’m a doctor now.
[Me visiting US for the first time]
Friend: This is a dollar store
Me: Why’s it called that?
Friend: Cos everything costs a dollar
Me: How’s about this candy bar?
Friend: Duh, it’s a dollar
Me: Cool. OK, I’ll buy this pack of pens
Assistant: That’s $1.08
Friend w/o kids: I’m planning a meditation retreat next month.
Me: One of my kids has been shaking a metal tin full of coins FOR AN HOUR.
My boss just farted. I asked him if he was trying to get the condom out. He’s mad now.
“There’s approximately a 50% chance there will be weather today.”
-meteorologists
Them: Aren’t you afraid someone will rob and clean your whole house out while you’re gone one day?
Me (looking around at the Cheerios and toys all over the floor): Maybe if I leave the door completely open with a thank you note?
My son’s impression of me is just him staring at his palm.
*phone rings*
Wife – “Quick! Pretend I’m not in!”
Me – *strips naked and does running man*
Wife – “….”
Penguins can’t fly either but pigs are the ones who got famous for their inadequacies
Goldilocks: [on Xanax] you know what? these are all fine
My husband just said the words every woman loves to hear, “Let’s order pizza tonight.”
I bought my mother-in-law a pair of ankle weights for her workouts. She’s proven to be a much stronger swimmer than I’d imagined.
chik-fil-a employee: It Would Be My Dying Wish To Serve You, Great Lord
me: I just want some nuggets man
cfa employee: I Would Die For You
I accidentally drank a bottle of invisible ink last night.
I’m in the hospital now, waiting to be seen.
I can’t believe they have an entire Clinic just for studying Mayo.
Self-cleaning conscience
white people be like “omg i saw this hack on tiktok” and it’s just adding salt and pepper to their chicken
I thought I found a baby owl today that needed help. He was an adult pigmy owl who let me pick him up then clawed and bit me. He is free now