If “she’ll be riding six white horses when she comes”, she’s probably a little more woman than I can handle.
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Tommy Lee Jones always looks like his son just told him he wants to ride unicycles professionally.
SURVIVAL TIP: IF LOST IN THE WOODS, BUILD A SHELTER. THE TAX COLLECTOR WILL BE THERE SHORTLY.
What I thought I would say as a parent:
“You are going to change the world.”What I say as a parent:
“Stop licking the window.”
Vacationing Putin fished, hiked, swam, and wrestled a bear.
Vacationing Trump rode a golf cart to his other golf cart.
A newly wed guy asked me about marriage. I told him it’s sort of like a museum. You have to be quiet and you can’t really touch anything.
[I die and appear in a mysterious place]
me: woah, is this heaven or hell?
guy: here’s a giant plate of linguine
me: must be heaven!
guy: you have to eat it without the twirl technique
me: aw hell
No one:
Me: “The word “Militia” just sounds like Sean Connery saying the name Melissa.”
I feel attacked.
[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the Chewbacca mask at home tomorrow
I’m taking part in a scavenger hunt. I have already killed twelve scavengers
GF taking me on a surprise V-Day getaway. At least I think. Not sure what the lime and shovel in the trunk with me are for though.
[Enter password: ] MyPeeeeeeeeenis
[Error: password too long]
*high fives my laptop right off the desk*
HER: I’m ending this
ME: why?
HER: you’re way too literal
ME: I promise I can change
HER: prove it
ME: *puts on a different shirt*
I have an important question about the movie CATS which will ultimately determine whether or not I see it:
At any point in the film does one of the CATS cats sit in a cardboard box that is a little too small for them
I once walked out of a movie because the actor’s fake typing was so bad.
[airplane nose dives]
*turns to kid behind
‘Could you please stop kicking my seat!’
Passing by a group of ladies:
*conversation stops*
Walking back by:
*conversation stops*Me *giddy* I take their breath away!
I’m piloting an SR-71, capable of flying speeds above Mach 3. 85,000 feet above earth, my shadow passes directly over a small town in rural Kansas where there is only one Dairy Queen and one McDonald’s—
My phone: WOULD YOU LIKE CONNECT TO MCDONALD’S WI-FI???
I think my neighbor is very sick. I have now seen him putting no less than six of his arms in his garbage over the past year.
I’m nobody’s type until they need blood or an organ
JAMES BOND (to bartender): Martini shaken not stirred
ME (acting cool): bud light shaken not stirred *opens it & it just sprays everywhere*
I wonder if Captain America ever borrows money from Captain China.
I have fired anyone at the company who has asked about the loud crying coming from my office
Apparently 50% of people prefer pizza to sex. What is wrong with people? Have they never had pizza?
I can’t believe I got kicked out of chess club. I didn’t realize there were rules, I just thought the pieces fought like action figures. I shouldn’t have brought Wolverine.
Codpieces aren’t supposed to made out of fish? Crap! Hang on, then, I need to change.
“40 times.”
“What are you talking about?”
“That’s how much greater my sense of smell is than yours.”
“Okay, so what’s your point?”
“My point is, Dave, we really need to discuss your personal hygiene.”
My dishes are lined up like my sink is the hottest night club the world has ever seen.
Just finished a 5k. It took me 4 days and was filled with snacks and naps but at least I finished.