Cop: Where were you at the time of the murder?
Me: I’d trapped myself in a Tupperware container
Cop: Damn, that’s an air tight alibi
You Might Also Like
I hate when I order too large a portion of ribs that it tips my car over and my modern stone age family has to get back home on foot.
i thought crypto and bitcoin were x-men characters
Just remember…once annoying family arrives, the only side dish you’ll need is whiskey and a shot glass.
Why is the recorder so ubiquitous in school music class?? If any kid was ever actually good at playing the recorder, we would all know of at least one adult who eventually went pro
im gonna have a productive weekend
*watches 3 seasons of a show*
*organizes shirts by softness*
*naps 5 times*
ugh i never have enough time
It went from “Oh, you guys really want to get to know your mom” to “Why are you asking me all these questions?” to “Which of my accounts are you trying to get into?”
wake me up when ChatGPT can procrastinate for 7 hours before starting a manual data entry task, then I’ll feel threatened in my job
Our kids are making us a special anniversary dinner and I’ve never not worked so hard in my life
Today while in the bookshop I said to the lady behind the counter, “I’m looking for a book by Shakespeare”
She asked “Which one?”
Me “William, HELLO!”
My annual evaluation was today at work.
I’ll be riding this “exceeds expectations” high for weeks.
Just send him 60 texts explaining how you understand he needs his alone time.
Kinda weird, but my gynecologist was still wearing eclipse glasses during my pelvic exam.
My tacos arrived with a fork on the plate. I can only guess it’s there to stab potential taco thieves.
It doesn’t have to be a plane crash. If we’re stuck in traffic I’ll seriously consider eating the Uber driver.
Witness protection, but for men who have accidentally told a woman she looks tired
Jeff Bezos this morning:
“Alexa, end my marriage”
the original name for the ps5 was pspspspsps but it kept attracting cats
When beer and cheese isn’t the answer… Change the question
Same pineapple, same
Broke out some old threads to wear to work today and was feeling pretty cool until my 12 year old daughter saw me and said, “What is that shirt? You look like the 90s,” then I knew I nailed it.
[uber driver dropping me off at the gym] see you back here in five minutes
My wife and I announce when we’re going to the bathroom, but it’s more a way of saying, “I’m not watching the kids, so if they die in the next 4 minutes it’s all your fault.”
[looks over neighbour’s fence while he’s in the pool]
“Dude, we get it. You can hold your breath for [looks at watch] 19 days.”
*on death bed*
priest: any regrets my child?
*montage of every time i saw a large dog and didn’t try to ride it*
me: uhhhhh
I’ll be outside taking down the Christmas lights.
*unscrews green bulb from porch light*
Ok, I’m done.
At some point, every cult leader says, “Okay, I talked to god and he wants me to have sex with your wives.” Every single one.
Here lies a mother, her struggle was valiant but in the end the laundry pile was too big and she couldn’t claw her way out
Husband: *buys anything* Let’s save the box in case we need to return it.
[2 years and 250 boxes later]
Me: Honey, the kids are lost in your box maze again.
*Makes sure the new girl at work sees how much pineapple I eat at lunch*
*winks*
Woman: *being eaten by a Werewolf* My god, they’re right. Your hair IS perfect!