(texting gf) In uber. Be home soon. Cant wait to see you (accidentally pressing dictation button) Ohhhh i want a hamburger so bad. Hot dog too. Ohh man I want a mcchicken. me too. Woww I want a burger. Yeah I want a cheeseburger too. Ohhh wow me too. I want a hot dog.With the bun
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Having never seen the ocean, visited a lake, or gone anywhere near the river, he could honestly say that he’d lived his life without egret.
[friend being eaten by a bear]
*screaming violently*
Me: Stay calm! Don’t move so much! I’m trying to take a picture for snapchat!
me: “why tf does my back hurt??”
also me:
School taught me fractions like if you’re on your third fifth of whiskey you haven’t even had a full whiskey yet
How did you spend your dinner break, Jamie? Just drawing a reverse centaur so everyone can see how horrible they are
I stopped writing poetry when I realized their only value was to threaten to read them to people if they didn’t do what I wanted.
I’ll do unspeakable things to you, baby, like vqtkjx and zqkpmr.
[texting]
ME: I like you, I think you’re cute
MY CRUSH: oh um
ME: HAHAHA omg my dog was chewing on my phone lol how did he type that
My therapist thanked me for making her decision to retire early much easier.
So I’ve got that going for me.
Whenever someone says, “that’s what she said”, I like to reply with, “not to you”
I love Bounty but even I think this is cursed
Stopping to get donuts for the office only works as an excuse for being late if the box isn’t empty.
wdym i don’t know how to flirt like my eyebrow wiggle game is superior.
I wish my car had spikes on the wheels like the chariot in Ben-Hur. I’d only use them against people who really deserved it, like drunk drivers or people who don’t do the thank you wave when you let them merge.
You would be amazed how cheap lawn mowers are at Home Depot when you own a pickup truck and a orange apron.
NO MATTER HOW MANY ALIENS BIT SCULLY SHE STUCK TO HER GUNS LIKE “NO THESE ARE SCIENCE BITES”. KINDA GOTTA RESPECT THAT.
Batman’s an example of a guy who took his parents double homicide and made lemonade
Scientists are attempting to clone Ice Age Cave Lions because running into a raccoon when I take out the trash isn’t scary enough.
Robber *gun to my head* sign in to your account
Me *wiping tears* I can’t remember my password
Robber: Ask for a hint. And if you cry again, I’ll shoot
Me: ok ok
Computer: What was the name of your first dog?
Me: oh no
Alcohol infused candy called Fermentos.
What’s the game you play that when you lose you never regret it?
Russian roulette.
Heckling someone at their third wedding automatically removes you from their fourth wedding invitee list
The more you know
My therapist told me to write letters to the people I hate & then burn them. I wonder what I should do with the letters.
Probably even more relevant for the next couple of days.
“Just make sure he knows these are for Christmas AND his birthday”
Happy Birthday if it’s yours today.
If you hide 48 eggs and tell your kids there are 50 you can get a little nap in.
Way ahead of you, “cashless society.”
If you’ve ever planned anything with more than five people, then you know no conspiracy could possibly be real.
JUMPER ON BRIDGE: Stay back, I just want to end it all
GOOD COP: Please, you don’t have to do this
CAT COP: *slowly pushes him off bridge*
I’ve just accidentally swallowed some scrabble tiles… My next shit could spell disaster!
why are bouquets only for flowers? why not a bouquet of hot dogs. or a bouquet of hot dogs with ketchup. or a bouquet of hot dogs with musta