COPS: COME OUT OF THE HOUSE
“I’LL NEVER COME OUT”
COPS: WE WERE TALKING TO YOUR DOG. WE WANT TO PET HIM
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U U U U U U
An American’s tile rack after a Scrabble game.
The only thing more satisfying than doing big yard projects yourself is paying someone to do it while you occasionally watch out the window.
Thought I had outsmarted my kid and his friend by telling them the baby monitor was a walkie talkie so I could keep an ear on them… and then the snack requests started.
Genie: I’ll give you more wishes, I feel bad for you
Me: [with 3 ice cream cones on the ground] That’s very nice of you
Imagine falling for someone then finding out they drink their coffee one spoonful at a time like soup.
I’m gonna make a alternate account so I can catfish myself. I know what I like so I may fall for it
A dating site that connects Tupperware containers with lost lids.
My friend sneezed and I didn’t say “God bless you” and I had to watch helplessly as demons appeared and dragged him to hell.
My 4yo just said “is life a dream because it doesn’t make sense” and I suspect he’s right
I’m going to hell if anybody needs anything.
i took a british guy home and when i woke up all my artifacts were gone
Job interview…
HR: On a scale of 1-10 how would you rate your maturity?
Me: 69!
HR: I hate this job.
I really love how squirrels get extra chubby heading into winter mostly because it’s super relatable
My friend told me that he climbed Mt. Everest and I was like, “yeah, but have you ever tried getting out of a waterbed?”
Me, 48 hrs after agreeing to let shit go: “Okay, lemme ask you somethin-“
CINDERELLA: were you always my fairy godmother
FAIRY GODMOTHER: yes, always
CINDERELLA: so you watched my stepmother horribly mistreat me for years and did nothing
FAIRY GODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA:
FAIRY GODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA:
FAIRY GODMOTHER: look what i can do to this pumpkin
If I can’t pronounce your name after meeting you, you will from that point forward be addressed as “bro.”
Yet again, autocorrect leads me ashtray.
me: [breaks long awkward silence] “so what do you do for a living?”
taxi driver: [just looks at me]
Me, mumbling: There’s a reason they don’t let parents drop off teenagers at the fire station.
My fifteen-year-old son: They will never be able to extinguish my fire.
Glad the lady in front of me decided at the last second to stop at the yellow light as I prefer to eat my fries from the dashboard.
I wanna congratulate Disney on outbidding me for Fox. I realize now that my offer, $13,000 and an IOU for $81-billion scrawled on a Arby’s bag in crayon, was unrealistic and whatnot.
as a kid, I used to think $1,000 was a lot of money. But now that I’m an adult, I think it’s a tremendous amount of money
I made a list of things I would do for fried chicken. I’m not proud of the list, but not ashamed enough to cross anything off.
‘NO NO NO NO NO NO’ – My brain, every time words start coming out of my mouth.
I got high and hid snacks from myself, this is the worst scavenger hunt ever
Just went to Cracker Barrel for the first time in my life and my biggest takeaway is that obesity is delicious.
doctor: the results don’t look good
me: oh god, why?
doctor: *shaking head* the printer ran out of ink
someone reached out to my manager not too long ago, asking to confirm a rumor that jason momoa and i were dating. my manager said “absolutely not” hahahha i was like damn! at least meet me half way and just say we did “over the clothes stuff”
Went to bank robbing school and the teacher told me to take notes.