[sitting on the deck with my son]
Me: look son, everything the light touches-
Son: yes dad?
Me: -you have to mow.
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Sometimes I worry that maybe I’ll never have sex again then I look at OKCupid and kind of start to feel at peace with the idea.
[Son’s 1st day of school]
Me: Did you make any friends today?
Son: Yes!
Me: *kneels down next to him* how do you do that?
Teen: Your brows are on fleek!
Me: (confused) Yeah well your FACE is on fleek.
Teen: Thanks!
Me: God damn it.
8: mom do you have ANY idea how rare circles are in minecraft?
me: no but i have a bad feeling you’re about to spend a really long time telling me
Adult life is constantly saying to your friends let’s do something soon and suddenly 6 months have gone by
Why did they call it bacon fat and not oinkment omg I’m so sorry
Today I’m offering free root canals. I’ve watched a bunch of YouTube videos and I can do this
I can literally trace the moment my career died back to when my boss said he was in back-to-back meetings and I said “isn’t face-to-face better”
Friend: Ugh, this is going to cost an arm & a leg.
Me: *pats backpack* I’ve got you covered. The hospitals just throw these things out.
Hey, thanks for having me over… But, It smells like something died in here and I’m pretty sure it was the housekeeper…
the worst part about lockdown is thinking of all those Pokémon outside just waiting to be found
NYC’s response to historic flooding will be adding kayak lanes to all city streets.
I can tolerate a lot of the familial depravity in #HouseOfTheDragon but I gotta draw the line at someone naming both of their twins Eric
Wife: y is a penguin w an umbrella in the-
Me:*points to dog dressed as batman* so Bark Wayne isnt bored
W:
M: he needs an arch enemy, Karen
My husband and I are having a serious fight.
Do you think I should let him know about it?
I’m so tired today. If you pulled up next to me in a car & said, “Get in loser. We’re going to–” I’d already be in the car with my seat belt fastened, fast asleep.
Detective : Where were you on the night in question?
Me: Wut?
Detective: Don’t play dumb with us.
Her: Oh, he’s not playing.
When I was a kid, a girl called me a witch for having green eyes. She’s a hamster now.
The irish goodbye: leave without telling anyone
The Midwest goodbye: stand around for 4-8 more hours saying goodbye to the entire party
I just learned that there’s a porn genre that involves being fucked and fed junk food at the same time so I guess this is “goodbye.”
I’m at my most optimistic when I believe I can cancel a free trial subscription before it expires.
“He’s behind me, isn’t he.”
“Yep.”
“Is he making that stupid face?”
“Yep.”
I don’t care what kinda lighter you have, its fair game if its unattended. Unless its engraved, then I’ll give it back for Christmas.
If you’re going to the hospital for a covid-19 test make sure you bring with you a valid form of identification along with a printout of your IMDB page and/or your Basketball Reference stats
I trace wine labels in crayon and hang them from our fridge magnets; people think we have disturbingly gifted children.
I bet that at some point in history a baby ate a dingo.
DOG COP: sir, you ran a gray light
DOG DRIVER: it was gray!
COP: no, it was gray!
DRIVER: gray!
COP: *starts barking*
DRIVER: *barking*
On some level I’ve always known that caterpillars drink dewdrops. But I never sat down to think about it while crossing the street before.
I think it was the second time my mom dropped me on my head that made me what I am.
I really hope my house is haunted and not in need of structural repairs