My current wife doesn’t like my use of adjectives
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Why would I want a vehicle that seats 8 people? I don’t even like 8 people.
Joker: hey can you not punch me? yanno, social distancing haha
Batman: *pulls out batarangs*
Joker: ohhh are those sanitized?
Batman: ugh you know we really shouldn’t even be out in Gotham
Joker: oh I just needed eggs lol
Batman: me too!
[both eye last carton]
I’m putting on weight for a movie
*eats popcorn in cinema
“I’ll just iron my clothes for work in the morning,” he thought in stupid bachelor.
The Internet is like my My Brain – filled with shopping and porn
the fire alarm is to warn the fire that the fire department is coming
It’s sad that a few fake Nigerian princes have ruined it for all the good Nigerian princes who are just looking to wire 24 million dollars.
Me: “Alexa, put on some jazz and pour me a drink.”
My daughter, Alexandra: “Stop calling me that! Crap like this is why I live with Dad!”
[at a party]
*taps wife’s shoulder*
I’ve looked everywhere…where are all the swings?
(wife pulls away from kissing Bob)
“What?”
David Copperfield: Ok I want everyone in the audience to think of a color. Ready? Ok, is your color grey?
Audience full of Dogs: OMG!
*travels back in time just to slap some guy across the cheek with a glove and call him a scoundrel*
when i read a tweet that ends with “thanks for coming to my ted talk” i get excited and look around to check whether im truly at a tedx conference. usually im being played for a fool and im just under a car again
BARBER: would you like a hot towel?
ME: buddy, I don’t objectify towels
I snuggle with my sweetie boo and seductively ask, “Would you still think I’m cuddly without skin?”
[First Date]
Me: So, Construction?
Him: Yeah
M: You nail stuff? With your big hammer?
H:
M: Like to screw?
H:
M: Hey! Where are you going?
if you tell your guests your house was just broken into and fake cry they will clean it for free
I tried changing up the way I use the bathroom, so I wiped with my left hand today!
I really wish I used toilet paper instead, though.
The toilet paper thief accidentally dropped the merchandise as he jumped over a fence.
He got away Scott free.
Wife: Why don’t you buy me flowers?
Me: I didn’t realise you sold them. Also why are you talking like a pirate?
Me: *showing photos on my phone* that’s my daughter in her play, and that’s my son covered in mud
Colleague without kids: *pointing at his phone* this is me in the Bahamas, and that’s my Porsche
Me: Let’s not do this anymore
Free cake in the break room and these people turn into cheetahs on a gazelle.
I think Pam from Accounting died.
She wasn’t strong enough.
[on payphone] Hello New York Times? In every box of tissues there’s a tiny man who feeds the next tissue through the openi— [CIA agents tackle me]
Does your wife know that you are in a relationship with your car?
You ever bark back at your dog and then wonder what you just said?
If you can steal a scarf away from Johnny Depp he has to grant you one wish.
trump may have a point about video game violence, ever since skyrim came out i’ve been climbing to high elevations and shouting bears off of cliffs and i don’t think it’s a coincidence
Me: Ok, just need a shovel and some toilet paper.
Them: Going camping?
Me: Nope
I want a boyfriend but I also want the pizza all to myself so you see my dilemma
Me: Rest assured I will go to the grave with your secret.
Pat: Thank you.
Me: Unfortunately so will my golfing buddies.
“but you said you were right around the corner.” Let me stop you right there. I never said what corner