I identify with this toooooo much. 馃槀馃槀馃槀馃槀馃槀
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Sorry, guy outside grocery store with a heavy bag and one arm in a sling, but I can’t help you. Ted Bundy ruined that for everyone.
Me: you married?
Him: separated
Me: your wife know about that?
Me: Another bucket of wine please.
Waiter: You mean a new bottle in an ice bucket?
Me: No.
*at divorce court
Me: She hasn’t touched Mr. Peppy in 10 years, your Honor.
Judge: I’m sorry – What??
Her: I win, right?
My husband helped me relax by going to the store for some gift bags for my son鈥檚 upcoming birthday. He just returned victorious and presented me with a bunch of brown paper lunch sacks.
[in ambulance]
“Can you describe the snake that bit you?”
Yes it was like an angry rope
Hands up if you鈥檝e given yourself a bloody nose by swooping down a little too eagerly on the buffet and smashing into the sneeze guard.
So, just me? Okay.
5-year-old daughter: Why does Mom wear makeup?
Me: To look pretty.
5: But she’s already pretty.
Me: Aww.
5: Dad, you should wear makeup.
馃幎And ewe may find yourself behind the wheel of a large automobile
Am I smarter than a 5th grader?
鈥o. Probably not.BUT, am I funnier than a 5th grader?
鈥lso no.BUT, BUT could I win in an arm wrestling match against a 5th grader?
鈥 don鈥檛 wanna play this game anymore.
Me: *mouths I love you*
Him:
M: *blows kiss*
H:
M: *adjusts my pajama top*
H: *empties the can & hops onto the side of the garbage truck*
TIMMY: What’s that, girl?
LASSIE (echoing from the bottom of a well): *bark bark bark*
TIMMY: You say you’re aware of the irony of the situation?
*deletes fb account*
*leaves social media*
*goes to Himalayas*
*pigeon comes with a note*
*opens note*
*candy crush request*
*dies*
[game night]
date: do you have siblings?me: *flips table*
date: so you鈥檙e the youngest
Some jerk called me “pretentious” so I called him a “planktupus.” I can make up nonsense words too.
I have a lift function on my wheelchair so I can reach tall counters. The lift moves really slowly. One time, I got overcharged for something. I tried to storm out of the store, but my chair just slowly lowered to the ground as the cashier stared at me.
Boy am I stuffed! I finally finished eating the bag of salt I got for Christmas
just saw the gorilla thing. what kind of thoughtless, negligent parent would raise their child in ohio
waiter: do you need a minute to look over the menu?
me, researched it online: yes please
Thoughts and prayers for my mom, she’s really struggling with my weight
nurse:how do u rate ur pain
me: zero stars
nurse: what
me: would not recommend
I’m starting a gofundme to bring back Betty White
“Can I get a do-over?” – Me, playing golf, tennis (or pretty much any sport), taking a test, having sex, making a speech, living my life….
Friend: Whatcha up to?
Me: Just chewing my toenails.
Friend: Gross! But congrats on the flexibility.
Me: *reaching into bowl* Flexibility?
At what point do they stop replacing the wobbly wheels and just send the shopping cart off to live on the farm?
tfw you have a meeting with your boss, and you aren’t entirely sure if you quit or if you got fired but you definitely don’t work there anymore
Netflix just asked me to rate ‘Spy Kids 2’ and I clicked “I haven’t seen it” but I have. I have seen it. A lot.
I booked a suite at a 5 star hotel and when my girlfriend arrived,on the bed spelled out in rose petals was “be right out,I’m taking a shit”
Hey, guy in Prius blasting heavy metal – decide which type of annoying person you want to be.
If you’re stuck in the wild, rub two mozzarella sticks together to start a pizza.