If you haven’t left a store carrying your screaming kid surfboard style you’re not really parenting.
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My 61-year-old stepmom loves your product, Mark Zuckerberg.
“You call this ART?!” *throws Subway sandwich against the wall* “Make me FEEL something!”
Auto correct changed “absence” to “absinthe” and now my kid’s school won’t let me be on the PTA.
Someone just followed me and their bio said they were born in the year 2000 and I was like, “OKAY YEAH SURE, so you’re 3?” and then I realized that the year 2000 was 19 years ago and I am an old person.
Me: Have you seen my bedroom trash bin?
Teen: The small one?
Me: Yes.
Teen: Made of wicker?
Me: Yes!
Teen: Dark?
Me: Yes!!
Teen: No.
5: I can count to 90!
Me: Really? Show me!
5: Ok here we go…
1
2
3
4
5
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8
9
10
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90Me: Nailed it.
If I lived in a small town where no one locked their doors I’d have an alligator moat
We have Life cereal. How is it that some marketing hack hasn’t come up with a cereal for Goths, called Death?
When my wife asks me to do that one thing in the bedroom that she really likes, she’s talking about vacuuming.
When someone you don’t wanna see tries to make plans with you
Cat 911: what’s your emergency
Cat: my human is bleeding to death!
911: stay calm. what happened
Cat: she tried to pet my stomach so i bit her
911:
Cat:
911: hahahaha
Cat: hahahaHA
Cat Paramedics: *arriving on scene* HAHAHAHA
Guy: I want to be more than friends
Me: like business owners?
BOSS: “Send that email to the client and copy me-”
Me:*Boss voice* “Send that email to the client and copy me”
Nice try Jehovah’s witnesses, but dressing up like the police and saying you have a warrant isn’t going to get me to come to the door.
How to be a Canadian:
1) Love hockey
2) Use good manners
3) Drink Tim Hortons
4) Live in a igloo
5) Hunt moose with stick
Whenever I’m about to give a speech in front of an audience, I imagine myself naked.
Wait, what
If someone is better at something than you, learn from them, let them teach you, or bathe in their blood so you can absorb their power.
5: wow, you look so pretty
Me: thank yo—
5: with your sunglasses on
Me: am I pretty without them?
*UNCOMFORTABLY LONG PAUSE*
5: sure
I never leave home without my phone charger but I’m always unprepared in every other way.
Boss: Can you send the documents
Me: I am sinking in the muck of a swamp of ancient pain
Boss: Ok just don’t forget to send the documents
“Everybody cut foot loose” – Russian version of Saw
If you’re feeling down, park in a handicap space and soon a bunch of strangers will tell you that there’s nothing wrong with you!
“My wife worked a 12-hour day and I asked what was for dinner” I explain to the other homeless people.
Text your dad “egg salad sandwich” four times in one day. He’ll probably think his phone is broken.
*My Gym Schedule*
Monday: Cardio
Tuesday: Intense weight training
Wednesday: Aerobics, dynamic strength training
Thursday: 3 year break
8: would you rather be loved on your device but hated by everyone in the real world or would you rather be loved in real life and everyone on the internet hated you?
Me: I just wanna eat my dinner in peace
I just don’t know what to make of people anymore.
-Cannibal who’s out of dinner ideas
When your body decides that was one meat lover’s pizza too many
just watched a documentary about a guy who pushed himself 3,100 miles across the united states in a wheelchair because my remote is on the other end of the couch
I often say to myself, “I can’t believe my cloning machine worked!”