When you and your favorite bird are very high at the zoo
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When I die, I want my ashes loaded in a howitzer and shot at a target. That way, when it misses and smashes a storefront, everyone will be like “yup, that’s Dean”
“This is NPR.” Yeah, we know. You just spent the past 4 minutes whispering the news over a jazz saxophone solo.
*bakes 12 cookies*
*waits for family to come home*
*eats 12*
*family arrives*
5 year old: “I SMELL COOKIES!”
“Weird! Here’s a salad.”
*sees a fly*
ahhh
*trying to swat fly*
nooo
*gives up*
well if ur gona stay at least pay rent lol
FLY: *hands me a tiny check*
ME: wat the
My friend was going on about how too much of anything is bad, so I said that must include talking and hung up the call
Wife: Want to have morning sex?
Me: For real?
Wife: Yes.
Me: Is this a trick?
Wife: No it’s not a trick.
Me: It feels like a trick.
Wife: IT’S NOT A TRICK.
Me: Did you do something you need to apologize for?
Wife: What?! No.
Me: Okay, then!
Wife: Now I’m not in the mood.
BAILIFF: Please state your name for the courtroom.
SCOOBY: Scooby Doo.
BAILIFF: Your FULL name.
SCOOBY: Scooby Doobie Doo.
My new dentist called me back in to make another mold of my teeth. Needless to say he made a terrible 1st impression.
[lives entire life from beginning to end]
ME: Wow, I hope no one saw that
EDWARD SNOWDEN: I can help determine the writer of that anonymous op-ed
TRUMP: What op-ed?
EDWARD SNOWDEN: Not much, what’s op with you?
Responding to someone putting on their jacket, picking up their bag, turning towards the door and walking away by asking “you off?”
Have you ever met someone and thought “wow where have you been all my life? Now if you could please just hurry back there that would be super”
my name if I was in the mob
When you go to the movies first thing you need to do is pour a drink in the seat in front of you so nobody can sit there..
How to make-out –
1. Hold her close
2. Kiss passionately
3. Don’t mention the budget deficit or your father
Me: What is the thing you want most for your birthday?
6yo: A recorder.
Me: How about a pony instead?
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I research genomes
Me: I love those little dudes, but you know it’s actually pronounced ‘gnomes’
I had enough of telling my kids to put their shoes on 487543 times before school so I set an alarm on Alexa to remind them every minute for 20 minutes and now Alexa’s drinking wine straight from the bottle sobbing about how she used to be something
You guys, I seriously never ask for prayers but this is an emergency. There is a rumor that Red Lobster might be closing. Pray. Pray hard.
One minute she’s saying “put yourself in my shoes” and the next it’s all “well you’ve gone and ruined them now, you idiot”
Pizza will never hurt your feelings.
My wife says the kids look just like their father…
…and if I ever find out who he is, he’s got some explaining to do
there are two types of people:
– someone who texts an entire paragraph before hitting send
– someone who texts that same paragraph and hits send after every third word
you don’t scare me. you’re not a can of biscuits i’m about to open.
How did my operation go Doc?
Dr ;
What?
Dr ;
Omg I’ve only got half a colon?
Forever 21 has gone bankrupt.
One more Forever that didn’t last.
So what do you do for a living?
“I’m in the Secret Service”
Wow, you didn’t keep that secret too well did you
Some Olympians have been training since they were 5.
I’m hoping my 6yo comes home from summer camp today with 2 shoes on.
Me: More fur & these cute little whisk-
Police Sketch artist: you’re describing a cat
Me: please his birthday is today & he loves portraits
How many Mexicans does it take to change a light bulb? Just Juan.