A rap battle but it’s just Keanu Reeves saying “Whoa” versus Owen Wilson saying “Wow.”
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A microwave with three only buttons.
1. Hot Pocket
2. Pizza Rolls
3. 4 Hot Pockets and 60 Pizza Rolls
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I make bad decisions.
“He stole a penguin from the zoo.”
YOU SAID YOU WANTED A BUTLER, KAREN.
3yo: Why do we have a room just for the toilet and the bath?
Me: So people can have privacy when they’re going to the bathroom or taking a shower.
3yo: Why would someone want that?
I think I’m beginning to understand the root of much of our disconnect.
have an idea for a hot wings restaurant. the wings are free, but napkins cost $100…
Me, losing my shit:
Heeere shitty, shitty, shitty!
“what do you do for fun?”
“oh…lots of things…like…like…” *backs slowly away until i fall off a ledge*
Recipes be like you’ll need an 1/8 tsp of this really hard to find item. Also, it’s gonna cost $125
BRONTOSAURUS: Why don’t you wear that sweater I bought you?
T. REX: I don’t think I could pull it off
My husband said he needed his shirt ironed, so like a good wife, I brought him the iron and he asked for the ironing board too. We have an ironing board?
Everybody needs a special place they can escape to.
*drives to liquor store
Husband seen complaining about a plate that hadn’t been cleaned properly which he’d personally cleaned.
Me: Everyone should follow their true calling in life.
Husband: Shopping at Target isn’t a calling.
Its raining, its pouring,
Working here is boring.
It hurts my head, wish I was dead,
I’m just gonna lay on the flooring.
FIRED? But I just started! How could I have known we don’t do casual Fridays here? Fine. Direct your own goddamn funeral. *flip-flops away*
BOSS: You’re fired
ME: For giving up my seat to a blind guy?
BOSS: You’re an Uber driver
I have a magnetic* personality
*Clingy and obsessive.
me: *eating spaghetti sandwich*
carb god: *rubbing biscuit hands together* goood goood
Eggnog is perfect for when you feel like drinking a glass of pancake batter.
My followers loving my retweets but ignoring my own tweets like greedy children gobbling up junk food & ignoring their nutritious vegetables
INTERVIEWER: Why do you want to work here?
ME: *crumbs tumbling from my mouth* Oh, I don’t. I was just walking by and saw you had donuts.
“Just the tip,” I whisper seductively to the pizza delivery guy, hoping he fulfills my fantasy of not charging me for the pizza.
COP: please step out of your vehicle
ME: finally *leaves body*
Me: one taco without strawberries
Taco Bell guy: strawberries?
Me: no thank you
Had a big lunch at Taco Bell. Off to the woods to prove a point.
agenda 4 today:
•shower
•cheerios
•shower-cheerios?
•”hike”
•Photograph a mountain lion
•get mauled by 2nd (hiding) mountain loin
“I knew Jesus when he was just a carpenter.”
-the first hipster
me: *doing the hokey pokey, turning myself around*
therapist: ok what was that all about
europeans read a lot because their television shows suck
mom asked me how I felt about her dating a younger guy, and I told her “just make sure u raise him right” and now she’s taking me out of her will
Doctor: we saved your dad but he’s part owl now
Son: Dad it’s me
Dad: *head turned 180°* who
Son: very funny
Doctor: yeah he has amnesia too