1. Get preg
2. Transfer ur soul to fetus using
Satanic alchemy
3. Give birth to yourself
4. Old body dies
5. Be a baby
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Friend 1: I do P90x to stay in shape
Friend 2: I just started crossfit
Me: Pssh, I just kiss my kids when they have a stomach bug.
Boys are cute how they’re all “I like girls that don’t wear heavy makeup” and “get down from that tree near my window or I’ll call the cops”
cop: “sir im afraid your dog is too cool for this neighbourhood”
me: [turns his little baseball cap round right way]
cop: “ok that’s better”
Going to change my display name here to “Actually…,” so I won’t have to type it out every time I reply to a tweet.
My doctor said I look pretty & I am taking that as her professional medical opinion no take backsies
“Be cool, be cool,
be cool”~me before I’m about to not be cool.
My girlfriend told me to treat her like a princess. So i married her off to a random stranger to strengthen the alliance with France.
yesterday my wife sent me to the garage to see if i could find some wd40 & two hours later i managed to disable our sprinkler system & start a small brush fire inside the washing machine
We need to go back to the days when every town only had one single, bumbling, sheriff who was constantly falling asleep while leaning back in a chair and forgetting that he’d left the town’s only jail cell unlocked
Not to be a Scrooge, but if you play or even hum along with Christmas music before December 10, you should be sent to a concentration camp.
The noise Rice Krispies make in different languages, according to Wikipedia…
I like the new game of thrones show but I don’t think the laugh track is necessary
My dad asked Alexa to turn on the lights and she started singing “Old MacDonald” instead
This makes the third woman in the house who won’t listen to him
British people tell you that they live in a real country and then introduce you to someone called the Marchioness of Cholmondeley
We need to keep kids off drugs. It’s hard enough to find them without kids buying them too
My toddler saw Santa for the 2nd time this season and when he asked her what she wanted for Christmas, she quit smiling, looked him dead in the eye, and told him, “I already told you”. And that was the moment I realized that I’m going to have to get so much better at lying.
if you have a cat tell them i said pspspsps
Me, making a pediatrician appt for my 5yo son.
Receptionist: “What’s his birth year?”
Me: “17”
Them: “2017 or….?”
Me: “Oh yes. 2017.”
In my head: No, 1817. We’ll make the arduous journey to your office in our covered wagon.
ME: [standing in the rain]
STRANGER: [taps me on the shoulder] Here’s an umbrella
ME: Yes. I’ve seen one before.
Nice tan. I’m guessing your mother is white & your father’s a sweet potato?
Nice try, operating instructions. Nice try.
I’ve got this.
*grabs a hammer*
[post sex interview]
reporter: what went wrong out there
me: well, i shouldn’t have yelled “holy moly” when i came
Hell hath no fury like a woman not getting responses to her text messages while she sees that you’re continuing to tweet.
Welcome to Gullible Victim Club.
Lol. I can’t believe you showed up. Now gimme your purse or I’ll stab you.
So you’re meant to master things after 10000 hrs of practice and I’ve spent at least that amount of time eating
But I still bite the inside of my mouth
Exposing kids to violent video games is appalling. They should be in church praying to a bloody statue of a man nailed to a cross in agony.
MARIE ANTIONETTE: The peasants don’t have bread? Let them eat cake.
MY ANCESTOR, wiping cake and bread crumbs off his tunic: So, funny story, Queen…
[job interview]
What are your strengths?
Me: inventing special occasions.
Is that even a *I interrupt him with a happy cereal day song*
“I refuse to be part of an apartheid system that reveres whiteness and segregates those of colour”
“Just do the damn laundry”
Bought a dozen stamps today so my kids can expect 11 stamps as part of their inheritance