The most unrealistic element of Jurassic Park is the part where an American theme parks investors become concerned after a single worker is killed
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Teens think they have an all-purpose insult for uncool people over 30 with “OK boomer”, but little do they know uncool people over 30 are about to deploy our most devastating weapon against it: ruthlessly appropriating it until it’s cringingly uncool to say it in any circumstance
“Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” Bro, I’m just trying to make it to Friday.
I can’t stand people who are indirect
You know who you are
ME: *playing the piano*
WIFE: You’re a regular Van Gogh
ME: Why thank you, honey
{three days later}
ME: Wait a second
There is no cool way to zip up your pants during a meeting.
Silence is golden
But duct tape is silver.
If I had any self control I’d probably eat that too.
One of the best compliments I ever received was when my brother told me that Mystery Science Theater 3000 was “basically like watching a movie with you.”
who called them sea lions and not soggy doggies
If you run into an ex, impress them by pulling out a pocketwatch and saying “I should get back to my factory. I own a factory now.” Start puffing on a big cigar, you’re a fat cat now.
“Take one pill on an empty stomach”
Me: What’s an empty stomach?
[funeral]
ME: [giving eulogy] so here’s why I’m glad this guy is dead
My neighbor thought she saw me doing yoga in the driveway, but actually I was just checking the mail on ice.
“ I got more tattoos than I do friends”
That’s saying a lot since I only have one tattoo.
waiter: what’ll it be?
cow: grass
horse: grass
sheep: grass
pig: *adjusting his bowtie* truffles
A laugh track, but for every time my boss says “I need this done today.”
it’s sweet how my son likes to swing by and check on me when his rent is due
How to Get a Girlfriend: Out at Sea
Me: *rocks boat*
Her: Hey!
Me: *rocks faster*
Her: Can we PLEASE go steady?
Me: I do.
I enjoy long woks to the Chinese place up the street.
[i walk into the Popes room as he’s napping] hey can i – stop screaming, ur gonna have a heart attack- can i borrow your hat for a snapchat?
It’s 2018, and Benjamin Button is still writing 2019 on his checks.
Wiggle is the best of all rooms.
I just remembered the time I went on a first date to London Zoo and at the gate he asked if I would mind paying for my own ticket, which I said I would, at which point he pulled out a 2-for-1 voucher, so I paid for my ticket and he went in for free.
It’s my last day in my current job and all my coworkers have come dressed as me
Next weeks therapy session is going to be a doozy
Me: how many bears do you think we could fight as a family
Wife: none you idiot
Me: oh
*growling from closet*
Wife: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE??
Based on the musicians who thanked him at the Grammys, I gotta say: I’m not crazy for God’s taste in music.
Girl i dated had an outside cat who really liked me & one day when i went out for a smoke there was a bird heart placed on the wall where i usually sat. Cat was scoping me to see if i liked my gift so i did that move where you pretend to eat it so she didnt think i was ungrateful
The First Rule of Menopause Club:
We don’t talk PERIOD.
I ended it after I checked his browser history and found hundreds of video game walk-throughs. Once a cheater, always a cheater.
Heard the local weatherman say, “high in the thirties” & now I know the title to my autobiography.