[job interview]
BOSS: We’re looking for a real people person
ME: Well I’m definitely a human
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I don’t need a sugar daddy. I need a chicken wing daddy.
*gets period*
“So that’s why I’ve been in a mood for the last 24 days.”
I used to think it would be fun to be a contestant on Chopped, then I birthed my own mini judges who criticize and reject everything I cook.
My well-meaning colleague was extolling the virtues of Vitamin D supplementation to me by saying “Most of us need more D than we’re getting and it’s almost impossible for us to get enough D naturally so we need to get our D from other sources” and I kept SUCH A STRAIGHT FACE
Please can I keep him – he followed me home!
Santa saw your nudes and he’s getting you moisturizer, and a good razor.
What do you mean the project is DUE TOMORROW?!
– a parenting memoir
My 3yo was giving me a checkup and put the stethoscope on my stomach. She asked if I could hear the heartbeat, and I just got up and left. Heartbeat in my stomach? Smh ain’t nobody got time for that.
If you loiter in a Tibetan spiritual leaders sandwich shop every day, then you dilly dally in the Dalai’s deli daily.
Boss (about to fire me): I don’t know how to tell you this
Me: *suddenly behind boss, whispering in his ear* Try using your mouth, genius
I need a pet that is quiet, obedient and doesn’t jump on the furniture.
I think I need a hard boiled egg.
Banana is the quietest snack
[knock on door]
JEHOVAH’S WITNESS: do you have a few minutes to talk about jesus?
ME (hates gossip): no
Note from 5yo:
“I need help with my meth.”
I think she means math. Either way, asking for help is the first step, so good for her.
[Deleting all work emails]
THESE DON’T BRING ME JOY!
A conversation with your ex is a great way to clear the air, set aside hard feelings, and remind yourself why you drink.
I got fired from my job as a taxidermist for rolling my eyes.
I love raking all the leaves in my yard into a big pile then running really fast and jumping to conclusions when people don’t text me back.
I exit the pool in slow motion, running my hand through my receding hairline.
[Bucket Lists]
2003:
1. Visit Rome
2. Go skydiving
3. Run marathon2017:
1. Eat sitting down
2. Wake up naturally
3. Finish painting foyer
Life’s too short for 1-ply friends. You need people who can handle your shit.
Dad Dinosaur: Look son a shooting star make a wish!
Angsty Teen Dinosaur: I wish it would hit us and kill us all.
Killed another house plant but this time it was personal.
Would you rather have a normal childhood or a sense of humor?
Astrogeologists: do telescope/remote sensing on distant objects.
Astrologists: use horoscope/do not remotely make sense/object when dissed.
Why are holiday dinners always so early. “Come over dinner is at 1 o’clock”
It was 80s day at my 8yo’s school so I told him to walk to school and be home before dark.
Those A24 movies with narrow aspect ratios should make use out of the extra space on the sides of the screen. Put up some NFL scores or something
Me: you can’t spell menu without me n u
Waiter:
Me:
Waiter: my shift ends at 11