hardest part of beekeeping is thinking of all the names
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I’ve trapped dozens of birds and woodland creatures in my room but not one has helped me get dressed, and they’re just shitting everywhere.
I’ve never got out of a straight jacket but I did once get out of my sleeping bag whilst drunk and I’ve got to assume it’s roughly the same skill set
Minister: Should anyone present know of a reason why this couple should not be joined in holy matrimony, speak now, or…
Me: I’m so glad you asked, she still hasn’t returned two of my favorite Tupperware containers.
Family barbecues are great and all, but apparently Home Depot has a policy against them now.
You aren’t supposed to strip during Zumba. Apparently.
We just got a fax. At work. We didn’t know we had a fax machine. The entire department just stared at it. I poked it with a stick.
[first date]
Her: I like my steak rare
Him: *trying to impress* I’ll order for both of us. 2 panda fillets please.
What I imagine when an American describes their healthcare system to me:
Daughter (5): “Daddy your tummy is big and bouncy just like our trampoline”
Me: “Well you’re short and can’t spell chrysanthemum”
“There’s no I in TEAM,” he yells. “There’s no COACH in LOCKER ROOM,” I respond. He leaves in stunned silence, and is never seen again.
Like certain sexual acts I’ve engaged in, I don’t want to think about how blue cheese is made.
It tastes good and that’s all that matters.
What if we just vaccinated a bunch of mosquitoes and released them?
Red Skull’s name is pretty on-the-nose. How did his parents know.
All I need to know about you is defined by whether you ask for a cup or a cone when ordering ice cream
Why do we need to learn History? George Washington didn’t need it and he was a King.
Have you ever looked at someone & thought, you sure could benefit from getting a library card?
Found my missing cardigan when my sister posted a FB pic of her wearing it.
Q: If you could be any animal, which one would you be?
A: The drummer from the Muppets, next question.
my child dressed himself up as a police car. no not a police officer, a police car
goldfish memory actually lasts for months not seconds so don’t play that “I forgot about the rent” shit with me, Bubbles
I bet that at some point in history a baby ate a dingo.
my delayed screaming response has baffled medical doctors and terrified amusement park goers for decades
KID: I’m a brat!
WILLY WONKA: I am going to have you murdered.
me: where’s the milk?
supermarket clerk: by the eggs
me: no i just want milk
Just undertaken the get on the scales to weigh yourself and off even quicker post-holiday move.
We’ve got people working on world peace, and I’m here wondering how I can swipe a piece of my patient’s chocolate without her noticing.
Interviewer: Tell me some of your strengths.
Me: …dare.
Arguing about whether to hang toilet paper “over” or “under” is two sides of the same coin, and keeps you in the frame defined for you by capitalism. Wake up and realize that the true working class move is letting it sit on the counter and never hanging it at all
WIFE: would you chop these onions for me
ME: sure
WIFE: I meant with a knife
ME (tightening the belt on my karate robe): aww man
Nobody is happy. Be like Nobody.